General Writing Discussion Thread | Current Topic: NaNoWriMo
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I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Mmm-okay. Actually, would somebody give me a critique if I post an excerpt of the scene here. It's not very long, but there is a little bit of language mixed into the scene too (nothing more intense than what I normally write, but it's going to be in spoilers anyways). It kind of gets to me since there's a small bit of racism in it that also irks me (nothing too strong, but kind of derogatory since it involves one of the antagonists who's white saying it in front of a scientist who's black). I just need a little more input than this before posting the chapter in full because this is actually part of a critical scene...
Notes for anyone who hasn't been following the story: Jay is my protagonist, while Felicia and Ali are two supporting main characters. Jonathon Kyles and Wolfgang are two of the antagonists who are at the university Jay was visiting to steal three manmade Pokemon (the Doxi Siblings: a parasite, a symbiote, and a living grenade) that spawned from a stronger Pokemon Felicia created years ago. This scene takes place after an incident through which encountered several of Ronac's Legendary Pokemon who dispise the creatures that came about through Felicia's experiments and will stop at nothing until they're destroyed. However, said Legendaries cannot enter the real world and instead live in a dream world known as Beyi Quofyi.
Mmm-okay. Actually, would somebody give me a critique if I post an excerpt of the scene here. It's not very long, but there is a little bit of language mixed into the scene too (nothing more intense than what I normally write, but it's going to be in spoilers anyways). It kind of gets to me since there's a small bit of racism in it that also irks me (nothing too strong, but kind of derogatory since it involves one of the antagonists who's white saying it in front of a scientist who's black). I just need a little more input than this before posting the chapter in full because this is actually part of a critical scene...
Coming to a stop at the fork, I took a look down both paths. I couldn’t tell which way to go in order to find Ali and Felicia. Though, given the circumstances, it may have been a smarter idea to have left the building and called the police. Then again, would anyone really be able to stand up against the monsters attacking the university if I didn’t? Suddenly I heard something click loudly behind me.
“Well, look who we have here?” an Irishman’s voice then spoke as the stench of tobacco smoke filled the air. Pivoting around, I found myself glancing down the barrel of a loaded shotgun with the same man from earlier holding it steadily with his right hand.
“Bet you didn’t expect to see me here, Boyo,” the muscular Mr. Kyles continued, taking a long inhale off a cigar he had between his left hand’s index and middle fingers.
“I should’ve figured as much after Canersia showed himself.”
“Then guess you already got the gist of it?” he said, pointing the end of his gun down the right branch of the corridor, “Get moving. Yer friends are waiting for you.” Pivoting around, I started down the passageway. Jonathon Kyles put his weapon against the back of my head as soon as I took a few steps away from him.
I ceased up for a moment while he finished, “And don’t get any stupid ideas. I will blow your brains out without a second thought.”
Removing it from my cranium, he shoved me along down the hall until we came upon an off-branching outlet that led outside into the rear courtyard. Pushing on my side, the man then guided me into the smaller hallway and outside where Felicia, Ali, and several security officers were gathered in front of a large statue of Arceus near the central plaza. I noticed that one of them was the same guy who accompanied Jonathon here with Canersia. He held out a small handgun at the group in an attempt to kep them in one spot.
“Alright, Ali! We’re done playing games! Where are those abominations you promised us?” Kyles called out from across the way. Ali squealed in agony as Felicia conked him on the side of his head with her fist.
“You son of a b*tch! I knew you were behind this the whole time!”
“Felicia, please! I have never met these men in my entire life! I thought that my contacts were the others that swung by early this morning, and they only wanted Doxisite…”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you gave out classified information!”
The young man shot off his handgun overhead and shouted, “Shut the hell up already! You two argue worse than an old married couple!” Both Ali and Felicia looked at him with spiteful glares.
“Kids these days… No real nerve whatsoever…” Jonathon uttered, shoving me aside and walking straight up to the group. Aiming his shotgun right at Ali’s face, the scientist stared blankly at him in fear. After a second, Kyles pointed the weapon downward and shot out the man’s right kneecap! Ali collapsed onto the ground, screaming loudly out of horrific pain.
“Now that is how a white man does it, Wolfgang. Get yer act together, boy!” Kyles scolded his protégé as he took another puff off his cigar.
Afterwards, he reloaded his weapon with a bullet hidden in his pocket and again demanded, “Where are those Pokémon you promised us, Ali?”
“Behind the statue! There’s a compartment that only Felicia and I can open! The experiments are secured inside it!” Ali yelled, clutching his knee in agony.
“Good,” Kyles commented, and then put the gun to Ali’s forehead. Begging for his life, Ali tried to force himself backwards away from oncoming gunshot, but all in futility as the projectile hit him pointblank.
“NO!” Felicia and I both screamed.
“You’re coming with me, woman!” Kyles then demanded, grabbing Felicia on her forearm, “Wolfgang, keep an eye on Feral and the others until we come back around.”
“Well, look who we have here?” an Irishman’s voice then spoke as the stench of tobacco smoke filled the air. Pivoting around, I found myself glancing down the barrel of a loaded shotgun with the same man from earlier holding it steadily with his right hand.
“Bet you didn’t expect to see me here, Boyo,” the muscular Mr. Kyles continued, taking a long inhale off a cigar he had between his left hand’s index and middle fingers.
“I should’ve figured as much after Canersia showed himself.”
“Then guess you already got the gist of it?” he said, pointing the end of his gun down the right branch of the corridor, “Get moving. Yer friends are waiting for you.” Pivoting around, I started down the passageway. Jonathon Kyles put his weapon against the back of my head as soon as I took a few steps away from him.
I ceased up for a moment while he finished, “And don’t get any stupid ideas. I will blow your brains out without a second thought.”
Removing it from my cranium, he shoved me along down the hall until we came upon an off-branching outlet that led outside into the rear courtyard. Pushing on my side, the man then guided me into the smaller hallway and outside where Felicia, Ali, and several security officers were gathered in front of a large statue of Arceus near the central plaza. I noticed that one of them was the same guy who accompanied Jonathon here with Canersia. He held out a small handgun at the group in an attempt to kep them in one spot.
“Alright, Ali! We’re done playing games! Where are those abominations you promised us?” Kyles called out from across the way. Ali squealed in agony as Felicia conked him on the side of his head with her fist.
“You son of a b*tch! I knew you were behind this the whole time!”
“Felicia, please! I have never met these men in my entire life! I thought that my contacts were the others that swung by early this morning, and they only wanted Doxisite…”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you gave out classified information!”
The young man shot off his handgun overhead and shouted, “Shut the hell up already! You two argue worse than an old married couple!” Both Ali and Felicia looked at him with spiteful glares.
“Kids these days… No real nerve whatsoever…” Jonathon uttered, shoving me aside and walking straight up to the group. Aiming his shotgun right at Ali’s face, the scientist stared blankly at him in fear. After a second, Kyles pointed the weapon downward and shot out the man’s right kneecap! Ali collapsed onto the ground, screaming loudly out of horrific pain.
“Now that is how a white man does it, Wolfgang. Get yer act together, boy!” Kyles scolded his protégé as he took another puff off his cigar.
Afterwards, he reloaded his weapon with a bullet hidden in his pocket and again demanded, “Where are those Pokémon you promised us, Ali?”
“Behind the statue! There’s a compartment that only Felicia and I can open! The experiments are secured inside it!” Ali yelled, clutching his knee in agony.
“Good,” Kyles commented, and then put the gun to Ali’s forehead. Begging for his life, Ali tried to force himself backwards away from oncoming gunshot, but all in futility as the projectile hit him pointblank.
“NO!” Felicia and I both screamed.
“You’re coming with me, woman!” Kyles then demanded, grabbing Felicia on her forearm, “Wolfgang, keep an eye on Feral and the others until we come back around.”
Notes for anyone who hasn't been following the story: Jay is my protagonist, while Felicia and Ali are two supporting main characters. Jonathon Kyles and Wolfgang are two of the antagonists who are at the university Jay was visiting to steal three manmade Pokemon (the Doxi Siblings: a parasite, a symbiote, and a living grenade) that spawned from a stronger Pokemon Felicia created years ago. This scene takes place after an incident through which encountered several of Ronac's Legendary Pokemon who dispise the creatures that came about through Felicia's experiments and will stop at nothing until they're destroyed. However, said Legendaries cannot enter the real world and instead live in a dream world known as Beyi Quofyi.
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Alright then. I guess I was just concerned since I'm trying not to get too carried away with violence and stuff when it's mostly a fantasy/sci-fi story I'm writing.
Alright then. I guess I was just concerned since I'm trying not to get too carried away with violence and stuff when it's mostly a fantasy/sci-fi story I'm writing.
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Does it sound staged or something? I was a little iffy writing that into this passage too. In my first draft, I just had Kyles hit Ali with his gun and then hold it to the man's forehead.
Does it sound staged or something? I was a little iffy writing that into this passage too. In my first draft, I just had Kyles hit Ali with his gun and then hold it to the man's forehead.
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Alright, I made it Ali's shin instead.
Alright, I made it Ali's shin instead.
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Well, the idea is that Kyles doesn't take crap from anybody and has a pretty short temper. Anything he can do to get his job done faster, he will do.
Well, the idea is that Kyles doesn't take crap from anybody and has a pretty short temper. Anything he can do to get his job done faster, he will do.
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Meh, I don't like double posting unless I have to, but I'm stuck on something again. Now that I've got chapter six finished, I've moved onto chapter seven. The next chapter is undergoing major rewrites from what I originally had. Part of it includes a dream sequence in which my character Jay meets a legendary four-headed snake called Golbania. I'm caught up on whether I should have the creature put him through a series of trials before actually revealing itself to him or put him through a wild goose chase trying to hunt down an illusionary figure (this part takes place in a sprawling labyrinthine temple) and then reveal its true identity to him. The idea is that this creature is a being of truth and wisdom that doesn't reveal itself without good reason and, during this part of Feral Twilight, it needs to see Jay's worthiness before divulging a dark secret to him.
Meh, I don't like double posting unless I have to, but I'm stuck on something again. Now that I've got chapter six finished, I've moved onto chapter seven. The next chapter is undergoing major rewrites from what I originally had. Part of it includes a dream sequence in which my character Jay meets a legendary four-headed snake called Golbania. I'm caught up on whether I should have the creature put him through a series of trials before actually revealing itself to him or put him through a wild goose chase trying to hunt down an illusionary figure (this part takes place in a sprawling labyrinthine temple) and then reveal its true identity to him. The idea is that this creature is a being of truth and wisdom that doesn't reveal itself without good reason and, during this part of Feral Twilight, it needs to see Jay's worthiness before divulging a dark secret to him.
RE: Writer's Lounge
My dream sequences involve some character being placed into a mysterious otherworldly realm, and then encountering some entity who wishes to either deliver a message or get a point across. In each case it's the same place/realm and the same entity who's doing it, so I don't know if you'll find much as far as variety goes.
Then again, if you're going for a recurring nightmare spiel, maybe my work might give you some ideas.
I'm feeling better now (a little) but it still isn't over yet, unfortunately.
My dream sequences involve some character being placed into a mysterious otherworldly realm, and then encountering some entity who wishes to either deliver a message or get a point across. In each case it's the same place/realm and the same entity who's doing it, so I don't know if you'll find much as far as variety goes.
Then again, if you're going for a recurring nightmare spiel, maybe my work might give you some ideas.
I have just had one of the worst weekends ever. On top of feeling cheated at Battle Roads out of victory, the next day (today) I lost my cell phone, twice.Zyflair said:
I'm feeling better now (a little) but it still isn't over yet, unfortunately.
RE: Writer's Lounge
I've decided to write a fan-fic, and I have a plot idea and material for the chapters, but I have no idea how to write my prologue. How should a prologue be written? Should it be like a miniature chapter, should it not follow any characters but instead give a setting, or should it do something entirely different? I've never attempted to write anything like this (well, I have, but they all sucked) so I could use some help. Thanks!
I've decided to write a fan-fic, and I have a plot idea and material for the chapters, but I have no idea how to write my prologue. How should a prologue be written? Should it be like a miniature chapter, should it not follow any characters but instead give a setting, or should it do something entirely different? I've never attempted to write anything like this (well, I have, but they all sucked) so I could use some help. Thanks!
RE: Writer's Lounge
It really depends on how you want to start. The prologue is really only Chapter One, with the sole purpose of getting the reader's feet wet in the story. Note that I didn't use the word "introductions," which is vulgar and makes it sound like you have to tell the reader about the story. If you have doubts, go by "show, don't tell."
It really depends on how you want to start. The prologue is really only Chapter One, with the sole purpose of getting the reader's feet wet in the story. Note that I didn't use the word "introductions," which is vulgar and makes it sound like you have to tell the reader about the story. If you have doubts, go by "show, don't tell."
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Traditionally, they chronicle a short event that happens before the real story begins. The prologue is meant to build a reader's interest into your plot or setting. It doesn't have to introduce characters right away, but it does need to have a purpose that ties into the rest of your story.
Traditionally, they chronicle a short event that happens before the real story begins. The prologue is meant to build a reader's interest into your plot or setting. It doesn't have to introduce characters right away, but it does need to have a purpose that ties into the rest of your story.
RE: Writer's Lounge
How do i post my topic which will include my story?
How do i post my topic which will include my story?
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Near the top of the thread index in the Writer's Corner page, there's a link that says "Post New Thread in 'Writer's Corner.'" Just click on and you can start a new topic.I take it that you figured that out already, but I'm still answering this out of point.
DuffCreeper said:
Near the top of the thread index in the Writer's Corner page, there's a link that says "Post New Thread in 'Writer's Corner.'" Just click on and you can start a new topic.
RE: Writer's Lounge
Ok, thanks. Maybe I won't even need a prologue
. Either way it will probably be a while before I get anything up, with VGC Nationals coming up and the fact that I'm a very slow writer.
Ok, thanks. Maybe I won't even need a prologue
. Either way it will probably be a while before I get anything up, with VGC Nationals coming up and the fact that I'm a very slow writer.
I
Incinermyn
RE: Writer's Lounge
Same here, so don't feel pressured to write unless you have the time for it.
superpokemon67 said:
Same here, so don't feel pressured to write unless you have the time for it.