The Bullying Advice Thread

[TCGDeoxys]

This is now an universal bullying advice thread

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Ok, so before anything happens, I am slightly overweight.

So, I was in P.E. at middle school(7th grade), and people were making fun of me for being overweight. People are also calling me "Man Boobs". I swear to god if I get called a name again I will tackle whoever said it and beat them up! Thats how long it has been going! PLEASE HELP!

 

[Ice]

The obvious solution is to work out and lose weight. Why does your profile say you're 28?

 

[SilverSilent]

The obvious solution is to work out and lose weight. Why does your profile say you're 28?

For some people, that's not always an option. There are some people with medical conditions that keep them from either losing way or working out. My girlfriend has a hard time working out and only can do so much of it as her bones are hyper flexible and causes severe pain in her joints. Hormones and an inactive thyroid can also cause people to have a hard time to lose weight, even with proper dieting.

As far as bullying, I'll say to you that I've told many others. Don't worry about what other people say. I know that sounds hard to do, but I remember growing up, people always bullied me because of silly things like my glasses or because I acted different than everyone else. Eventually, people just stopped doing it and started getting along with me. Of course you'll always have people who bully others no matter what you do and say. If you're in grade school or high school, tell your family and teachers. If they keep doing it then blow them off. Believe it or not, blowing it off your shoulder will always make a bully mad because you're not taking the bait. Of course then they'll try and say worse things then before to arouse you. Of course if it get physical always tell some type of authority that can help you manage the situation.

In the end, the best way to solve a bully is to always diffuse the situation and to leave it, not matter what they say or do.

 

[Professor Palutena]

Start with weight loss. I was in your shoes for most of my Junior High and High School years, and I never did anything with it until this year (I graduated in 2012). It'll take away their reasons for bullying you alongside improving your self esteem, which is the far greater reward. Weight loss doesn't require going to the gym. It helps but the far bigger factor is food. I've lost 90 pounds this year without setting foot in a gym (until last night) just because I started watching the foods I eat.

Part of your problem might also be that, as an older Pokemon fan (you say you're 28), you're playing a hobby that is particularly dominated by younger kids and teenagers who absolutely love to harass people, especially adults. Try hanging out with more adults, either instead of or in addition to the Pokemon leagues.

 

[thegrovylekid]

Start with weight loss. I was in your shoes for most of my Junior High and High School years, and I never did anything with it until this year (I graduated in 2012). It'll take away their reasons for bullying you alongside improving your self esteem, which is the far greater reward. Weight loss doesn't require going to the gym. It helps but the far bigger factor is food. I've lost 90 pounds this year without setting foot in a gym (until last night) just because I started watching the foods I eat.

Part of your problem might also be that, as an older Pokemon fan (you say you're 28), you're playing a hobby that is particularly dominated by younger kids and teenagers who absolutely love to harass people, especially adults. Try hanging out with more adults, either instead of or in addition to the Pokemon leagues.

He says he was in 7th grade in the OP though...

 

[Scattered mind]

Just ignore them, they feed on reactions. I know it sounds cliche but it is the best way to deal with them. You know what you are and you know what are the things that you want to change in yourself and what are the things you are completely fine with. Don't let other people to tell you what you need to think about yourself. You think you need to lose weight ? do something about it. You think you are fine with the way you look? Don't do anything.
Losing weight is recommended but it is your decision. Don't do it because other people. Do it (and anything in life), for yourself.

 

[TCGDeoxys]

The obvious solution is to work out and lose weight. Why does your profile say you're 28?

Well, the thing is, Im built like that. I am big. My profile says I am 28 because I thought if I said I was 11(my age at the time) it wouldn't let me make an account. I will probably get banned for saying that.

Start with weight loss. I was in your shoes for most of my Junior High and High School years, and I never did anything with it until this year (I graduated in 2012). It'll take away their reasons for bullying you alongside improving your self esteem, which is the far greater reward. Weight loss doesn't require going to the gym. It helps but the far bigger factor is food. I've lost 90 pounds this year without setting foot in a gym (until last night) just because I started watching the foods I eat.

Part of your problem might also be that, as older Pokemon fan (you say you're 28), you're playing a hobby that is particularly dominated by younger kids and teenagers who absolutely love to harass people, especially adults. Try hanging out with more adults, either instead of or in addition to the Pokemon leagues.

Im in 7th grade, I didn't put my true age because I expected it to not let me make an account for "age issues"

Just ignore them, they feed on reactions. I know it sounds cliche but it is the best way to deal with them. You know what you are and you know what are the things that you want to change in yourself and what are the things you are completely fine with. Don't let other people to tell you what you need to think about yourself. You think you need to lose weight ? do something about it. You think you are fine with the way you look? Don't do anything.
Losing weight is recommended but it is your decision. Don't do it because other people. Do it (and anything in life), for yourself.

But im not "fat". Im just slightly bigger then the other kids, and they think I'm overweight yet they know I'm a left tackle in football... Thanks for the help! By the way, I told a teacher about it, and the kid got suspended.

In the future, please avoid double posting. Use the +Quote button to reply to multiple posts at the same time. Please contact a moderator with any questions. - Professor Palutena

 

[Empoleon_master]

Oh, I was in your situation before with the whole boring speel of "don't show them a reaction" I was threatened with a black mark on my "highschool" record by the administration of said "highschool" if I did anything but report the behavior thing. Guess what, I now have PTSD with nightmares on a weekly basis about being back in said "highschool" AND general anxiety disorder (the meds I'm on are AWESOME btw, I no longer flinch every time there's a sudden noise or vibration by me that I don't see the cause of), oh and when I did report the behavior thing I got treated with "are you sure they meant it in that way?" and then never listened to. Oh and my FAVORITE part of "don't show a response" is that a week after I shut my self down mentally to handle the constant harassment, I got shoved into a locker for the first time in my life, and the bullying got worse to the point where by not standing up for myself (which I would have gotten called into the administration office if I DARED to do), I got SWATTED (to the OP if you don't know what SWATTING is it's what people who need to be thrown into jail do to innocent people by saying some person is going to hurt/kill/whatever horrible act to other people or property, IE bombing somewhere, thus causing the cops to come to your house and ask you if you planned on doing any of these things, FUN, and PTSDalicious! : D ) two weeks after I left the "school" by the same people who likely also said that I said that I was going to bomb the "school" or something. So we all know the amazing life lesson I got from THAT.

Let me ask the following to truly help the OP, 1 have you stood up for yourself in the school and/or gotten in trouble for it? IE the time I flipped off some people that were being extremely horrible to me (remember the administration would do NOTHING and is known for this in my state), I then got called in for gasp, flipping someone off to stand up for myself...in a school where a racial slur was the noun in a common greeting at the "school". (yes, I am using quotes on the word school because in the words of Jeff Winger from Community "this is a toilet disguised as a school" ) 2 how smart generally are the people that harass you? I ask this because it will help me figure out how to crush their souls I mean crush their arguments, and every possible response. 3 I should probably have ask this before and I know how freaking stupid it is but "have you asked a teacher and what was their response?" depending on how well they take care of the problem that will let me know what kind of administration we're dealing with and thus if the school IS doing something about it or calling the major harassers in once or twice to have tea and crumpets with them and then do nothing else.

I really want to help you because it's over half a year since I left that "school" and guess what, I'm a teenager that gave me PTSD and screwed me up mentally in a lot of ways (fun fact 2 months after I left the school I still had dreams of dying), and I can't sue them until the SWATTing prevents me from getting a job or is used in a smear campaign should I run for any office, and guess what that means. I have the pent up rage of the hulk after someone stole his puppy the day he brought it home from a forest fire and I am MORE than happy to unleash it with the focused rage of a mega laser of words and debate skills. Let me put it another way, I have issues with that "school" that cannot be resolved, so let me take them out on your harassers via words and genius skills I've been honing every day since I left the horrible "school".

Oh and as for the weight thing, screw them, and IF and only IF the administration has done nothing and not gotten you in trouble for standing up for yourself in the past stand up to the bullies and paint a VERY vivid picture of their future and how biologically you are likely to get skinnier (seriously don't worry about your weight you're fine and you still have so much of your life ahead of you, where you'll naturally change sizes etc, your size is very temporary at your age, so don't worry about it), but with the amount of complaining they're doing in their lives about everything at some point in the near future (about 10-15 years but don't tell them that, make them think it's soon) they'll likely pretty much give up on everything to the point where their whole lives are dedicated not to living, but to the sole point of mindless gossip which not only hurts your brain but will likely cause a slight resource drain on society, not only from hearing their mindless drivel but from making the people around them have a decrease in gray matter (their brain matter) due to them contracting a case of the stupids from them. (them here being the people that harass you based on weight and not any other characteristic)


Also in case anyone's wondering, yes I AM in therapy, and it is awesome, and I had a breakthrough recently of finally going home from the school I was trapped in in my dreams....until a few nights later where I proceeded to dream I was going back there "for just one more day". Isn't PTSD from not saying anything or giving any reaction awesome?

 

[My Little Keldeo]

As others have said, ignoring bullies is usually the best thing to do. Your typical schoolyard (or in your case P.E.) bully feeds off the reactions of his "targets" and by arguing back with them, getting upset, etc. you are doing exactly what they want you to do. Unfortunately this is something a lot of children had difficulty understanding, and get stuck in a vicious cycle of bullying. But if you don't think you are far, that's all that matters. I am very glad that you were able to stand up for yourself and get a teacher involved. Moreover, I am proud that the teacher you spoke to took action, as I have seen and heard about other incidents where school staff have turned the other way from bullying (despite many schools requiring them to investigate). Unfortunately, character like this don't get much out of being suspended, and will likely be to his old tricks when he can return to school. how his parents handle the situation is beyond your control. If he continues to bother you, don't pay him any mind and eventualy he should move on.

However, if at any point you are being physically abused, you should notify a teacher at once. If they decide not to listen, keep trying other people until someone will. This includes your parents and if necessary, the police. Most importantly don't get physical. You may have the strongest left tackle in the seventh grade, but don't use it. As soon as something gets physical, you will be the one getting in trouble, not the bully who started it. Obviously if you need to defend yourself from physical abuse that's one thing, but you should never, ever instigate or even threaten to hurt someone regardless of what they say or do.

The bottom line is to be the smarter person and walk away from something that won't get you anywhere. As much as I hate to say it, this won't be the last time you'll be dealing with someone like this, but as long as you follow these same steps you will be able to stave them off. The last thing you want to do is make it personal.

 

[Jungletoad]

Just ignore them, they feed on reactions.

As someone who've had their last 14 months ruined because of this, I'll have to disagree.

People, and especially teens today are not interested in a particular reaction. Most of them decide to attempt to ruin other people's life just to boost their own self-esteem and ego. Sadly, I had to part with my group of friends when we were going to attend high school, because I didn't have good enough grades to attend the school they were applying for. I ended up having to attend the school I didn't plan to, with the people I desperately wanted to get away from. These people, despite having fantastic grades, are only interested in partying, working out and be around similarly attractive and perfect people, even the girls. There's no accept for any "weird" hobbys or interests, the people who are not like them will be treated awfully.

So there I am, in a classroom with the most popular, high-on-themselves people in my entire district. I tried to be open-minded and nice from our first hour together, but I was just... ignored. I am a completely average looking guy, and I practiced football (soccer) up until two years go. There was simply one fault with me; I was interested in video games and I didn't like partying. I was also burnt out from working out four times a week for the past ten years, and that was apparently catastrophic for my classmates. We just didn't have anything in common.

Whenever I tried to enter a conversation I was completely ignored. At the start the day they would greet everyone, except me. After school they would do social things together like going to the cinema, eating out and other neat stuff. They never invited me. A FaceBook group dedicated to the class was created at the start of the semester. Everyone was added, except me. All of my classmates worked in pairs when required to, I couldn't because no one were interested in working with me. These people are very focused on getting perfect grades, and compliment everyone when they score well on a test. When my English teacher announced that I was the only student who managed to get a perfect grade on our English exam, people got visibly upset. I felt like they wanted to kill me when the teacher left the classroom, and some students called their parents to arrange a meeting with the principal because I received a good grade, and they didn't. I overheard them mentioning that if the "dumb looser in their class" received a good grade, they should too. After things intensified I started skipping some classes, and eventually the entire day. At the end of the first semester I had been absent for sixty days, and I was in danger of being expelled.

After someoene told one of my classmates, who is one of the most popular and prettiest girls in the entire school that I'd been wanting to "date her for the past two years" it definitely made things harder (not true BTW). After one of my classmates wrote a post on her blog subtly based around me and the importance of "including everyone", I was deeply embarassed because people knew she talked about me. The fact that she didn't mean any of it, and only wanted to boost her own reputation was obvious. The final straw, however, came when the local paper published her post as front-page material on their website and in their paper version. I felt completely shattered.

To this day I haven't been able to attend school again. Our semester started two months ago, I haven't attended one class. Just today I was in a meeting with school officials and my mom because I was in danger of being expelled. I almost faint if I encounter my fellow peers. People laugh at me and give me mean stares when walking past me. My life is totally ruined. I'm having regular meetings with a psychologist because of my problems, and as of now I might not be able to finish high school before I'm 23-years old, literally. Sometimes I just want to end this. I barely get through it because I have good friends and an awesome mom.

Every day I think about where I would be now if I dared to seek help earlier. I don't know how your problem affects you, but believe me, it's better to seek help before it escalates any further. I'm fighting suicide thoughts, anxiety and depression daily, and I don't want anyone to go through this. Not seeking help earlier has led me to barely having a future. No matter the size of things, please don't be afraid of seeking help.

 

[Scattered mind]

As someone who've had their last 14 months ruined because of this, I'll have to disagree.

People, and especially teens today are not interested in a particular reaction. Most of them decide to attempt to ruin other people's life just to boost their own self-esteem and ego. Sadly, I had to part with my group of friends when we were going to attend high school, because I didn't have good enough grades to attend the school they were applying for. I ended up having to attend the school I didn't plan to, with the people I desperately wanted to get away from. These people, despite having fantastic grades, are only interested in partying, working out and be around similarly attractive and perfect people, even the girls. There's no accept for any "weird" hobbys or interests, the people who are not like them will be treated awfully.

So there I am, in a classroom with the most popular, high-on-themselves people in my entire district. I tried to be open-minded and nice from our first hour together, but I was just... ignored. I am a completely average looking guy, and I practiced football (soccer) up until two years go. There was simply one fault with me; I was interested in video games and I didn't like partying. I was also burnt out from working out four times a week for the past ten years, and that was apparently catastrophic for my classmates. We just didn't have anything in common.

Whenever I tried to enter a conversation I was completely ignored. At the start the day they would greet everyone, except me. After school they would do social things together like going to the cinema, eating out and other neat stuff. They never invited me. A FaceBook group dedicated to the class was created at the start of the semester. Everyone was added, except me. All of my classmates worked in pairs when required to, I couldn't because no one were interested in working with me. These people are very focused on getting perfect grades, and compliment everyone when they score well on a test. When my English teacher announced that I was the only student who managed to get a perfect grade on our English exam, people got visibly upset. I felt like they wanted to kill me when the teacher left the classroom, and some students called their parents to arrange a meeting with the principal because I received a good grade, and they didn't. I overheard them mentioning that if the "dumb looser in their class" received a good grade, they should too. After things intensified I started skipping some classes, and eventually the entire day. At the end of the first semester I had been absent for sixty days, and I was in danger of being expelled.

After someoene told one of my classmates, who is one of the most popular and prettiest girls in the entire school that I'd been wanting to "date her for the past two years" it definitely made things harder (not true BTW). After one of my classmates wrote a post on her blog subtly based around me and the importance of "including everyone", I was deeply embarassed because people knew she talked about me. The fact that she didn't mean any of it, and only wanted to boost her own reputation was obvious. The final straw, however, came when the local paper published her post as front-page material on their website and in their paper version. I felt completely shattered.

To this day I haven't been able to attend school again. Our semester started two months ago, I haven't attended one class. Just today I was in a meeting with school officials and my mom because I was in danger of being expelled. I almost faint if I encounter my fellow peers. People laugh at me and give me mean stares when walking past me. My life is totally ruined. I'm having regular meetings with a psychologist because of my problems, and as of now I might not be able to finish high school before I'm 23-years old, literally. Sometimes I just want to end this. I barely get through it because I have good friends and an awesome mom.

Every day I think about where I would be now if I dared to seek help earlier. I don't know how your problem affects you, but believe me, it's better to seek help before it escalates any further. I'm fighting suicide thoughts, anxiety and depression daily, and I don't want anyone to go through this. Not seeking help earlier has led me to barely having a future. No matter the size of things, please don't be afraid of seeking help.

I'm sorry to read that. However, I still stand with my advice since it was directed to the OP and the situation he described. Of course that I agree that if things are getting to the extreme (not saying that it's rare or something) and you don't feel like you have the tools to handle them by yourself, you must seek for help from your parents/teachers/professional help.

 

[TCGDeoxys]

Yea

As someone who've had their last 14 months ruined because of this, I'll have to disagree.

People, and especially teens today are not interested in a particular reaction. Most of them decide to attempt to ruin other people's life just to boost their own self-esteem and ego. Sadly, I had to part with my group of friends when we were going to attend high school, because I didn't have good enough grades to attend the school they were applying for. I ended up having to attend the school I didn't plan to, with the people I desperately wanted to get away from. These people, despite having fantastic grades, are only interested in partying, working out and be around similarly attractive and perfect people, even the girls. There's no accept for any "weird" hobbys or interests, the people who are not like them will be treated awfully.

So there I am, in a classroom with the most popular, high-on-themselves people in my entire district. I tried to be open-minded and nice from our first hour together, but I was just... ignored. I am a completely average looking guy, and I practiced football (soccer) up until two years go. There was simply one fault with me; I was interested in video games and I didn't like partying. I was also burnt out from working out four times a week for the past ten years, and that was apparently catastrophic for my classmates. We just didn't have anything in common.

Whenever I tried to enter a conversation I was completely ignored. At the start the day they would greet everyone, except me. After school they would do social things together like going to the cinema, eating out and other neat stuff. They never invited me. A FaceBook group dedicated to the class was created at the start of the semester. Everyone was added, except me. All of my classmates worked in pairs when required to, I couldn't because no one were interested in working with me. These people are very focused on getting perfect grades, and compliment everyone when they score well on a test. When my English teacher announced that I was the only student who managed to get a perfect grade on our English exam, people got visibly upset. I felt like they wanted to kill me when the teacher left the classroom, and some students called their parents to arrange a meeting with the principal because I received a good grade, and they didn't. I overheard them mentioning that if the "dumb looser in their class" received a good grade, they should too. After things intensified I started skipping some classes, and eventually the entire day. At the end of the first semester I had been absent for sixty days, and I was in danger of being expelled.

After someoene told one of my classmates, who is one of the most popular and prettiest girls in the entire school that I'd been wanting to "date her for the past two years" it definitely made things harder (not true BTW). After one of my classmates wrote a post on her blog subtly based around me and the importance of "including everyone", I was deeply embarassed because people knew she talked about me. The fact that she didn't mean any of it, and only wanted to boost her own reputation was obvious. The final straw, however, came when the local paper published her post as front-page material on their website and in their paper version. I felt completely shattered.

To this day I haven't been able to attend school again. Our semester started two months ago, I haven't attended one class. Just today I was in a meeting with school officials and my mom because I was in danger of being expelled. I almost faint if I encounter my fellow peers. People laugh at me and give me mean stares when walking past me. My life is totally ruined. I'm having regular meetings with a psychologist because of my problems, and as of now I might not be able to finish high school before I'm 23-years old, literally. Sometimes I just want to end this. I barely get through it because I have good friends and an awesome mom.

Every day I think about where I would be now if I dared to seek help earlier. I don't know how your problem affects you, but believe me, it's better to seek help before it escalates any further. I'm fighting suicide thoughts, anxiety and depression daily, and I don't want anyone to go through this. Not seeking help earlier has led me to barely having a future. No matter the size of things, please don't be afraid of seeking help.

Yeah, I feel awful for you. The bully came back from suspension and threatened to kick my butt. I said I didn't care. Then he attempts to punch me, I dodge, and kick his butt. He's acted scared since. (This all happened in one day).

 

[Empoleon_master]

Yea
Yeah, I feel awful for you. The bully came back from suspension and threatened to kick my butt. I said I didn't care. Then he attempts to punch me, I dodge, and kick his butt. He's acted scared since. (This all happened in one day).

Go you for standing up for yourself! *claps* If he starts making snippy comments or some other rude stuff keep a written record of it so you have evidence of harassment if he is that type of tool. I am really glad that you kicked his butt and got away with it and that the administration suspended him.

 

[TrainerMa'am]

Hugs to all of you who have been hurt by such hideous behaviour!

I teach middle and high school students from grade 8 to 12. Teachers teach because they love too - it is a calling and they are often underpaid and overworked. They love their job and they love the bonds they form with the students who connect with them and learn from them. Often teachers assume that reserved students are just shy so they don't push them too hard to be part of class activities or discussions etc. Many times they miss the antagostic hurtful behaviour of students they seem to have a repor with.

BUT Please please please - if you feel bullied or excluded by your class peers (and it is affecting your mental health or school work in anyway) speak to a teacher you trust and feel connected too. If that teacher dismisses you, don't give up ask for help from another teacher. If you don't feel comfortable telling a teacher yourself ask your mom or someone else to speak up for you.

A school - whether private or state - has a duty of care toward ALL the students who attend it. All school staff should know what to do to manage situations like these when they arise. Schools have bullying policies and staff members are regularly updated and informed about amendments to them.
I have been fortunate enough to have had students trust me in the past when they have been bullied. The school dealt with each case seriously, discreetly and positively.

Students who were being bullies faced consequences and their behaviour soon changed once they realised they were being monitored. Also, they often felt deem shame and regret after realising many of their favourite teachers and parents were disappointed in their behaviour.

And the students who were being bullied were provided with councilling and teacher support. Often teachers are able to identify other students in the school who have similar interests to the ones being bullied and positive friendships form.

If you don't let the school staff know how hard you are finding it then they can't help you. And trust me - nine times out of ten your teachers will move mountains for you. They will have your back. They will help you. And they will be discreet and kind and encouraging. After all that is why they decided to become teachers - and, of course, to teach reading, writing and arithmetic!

Good luck!
And please let us know how you go?