Writing Ash's Adventure

On a 1-10 scale what do you think of Ash's Adventure?(If you vote,you must post)(Do not comment on n

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ShayminSky

ShayminSky

I see what you did there...
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Ash's Adventure(Not the real Ash)
Chapter 1


It is Ash's tenth birthday and it has been 10 days since he has heard from Lugia about anyone. It was a dark day.It was the brightest day of the year on earth,but also the darkest. Ash felt a chill in the air,but that wont stop him from starting his pokemon journey. His mom and dad were out on urgent buisness and had to go to Kanto,Orre,Hoenn,and Johto. Ash did not know why but Lugia might know. Ash went and asked Lugia why. His father left him an egg to start with but it has yet to hatch. Ash was out on his way to talk to Lugia,said bye to Pikachu and Pachirisu,grabbed the egg, and headed out. Ash went and asked Lugia but he said it was the work of Darkrai and he needed to help someone somewhere urgently.
"But who is it?" asked Ash."
Lugia answered,"Even I do not know but I can give you a hint,It will bear your first Pokemon.Now go and save your first Pokemon!"

Ash knew exactly where to find Darkrai,Alamos Town. His father has spoke of it many times.
"But why would Darkrai do such a thing?!" Ash thought to himself as he headed back home. Ash knew the only way to get there was by flying.

Ash ran into his father's room and grabbed a certain pokeball and headded out the door.
"Go Staraptor!"
"Star-r-r-raptor!" cried a Staraptor as it was released from its pokeball.
"Staraptor, I need you to fly me to Alamos Town Stat!"
Staraptor flew Ash to Alamos Town in a minute and then it returned back home...to get a snack then to come back to Alamos.

"Now to find Darkrai!"
Chapter 1 Commercial break.

Anyone like it?
 
It's pretty good. But you rushed through it. Slow down and detail. And Lugia? Why can't he come with ash?
 
PimpRaichuKing said:
It's pretty good. But you rushed through it. Slow down and detail. And Lugia? Why can't he come with ash?
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All that is already explained,my friend.

SheimiGiratina said:
PimpRaichuKing said:
It's pretty good. But you rushed through it. Slow down and detail. And Lugia? Why can't he come with ash?
Click to expand...

All that is already explained,my friend.
Click to expand...

Time for chapter 1 part 2!


Ash stepped into Alamos Town to notice one thing: He found a Shiny Ho-oh Pummeled into the ground with everything ablaze. Darkrai was descending from the sky to see Ash. Dialga and Palkia were fighting Groudon and Kyogre(????) As all of the Legendaries were badly injured. I started taking a step toward everyone before running but Darkrai threw a Shadow ball at me. Darkrai and I have known each other for 7 years but why all of a sudden he attacked me for nothing.

"What was that for!"I shouted at Darkrai.
Darkrai said,"Look."as he pointed at my feet.
I looked to find aan egg at my feet.
"An egg?Who's is it?"I asked Darkrai.
"Ho-oh's"Darkrai said.

I looked at the Ho-oh who was trying to move to its egg.I nudged the egg to Ho-oh.

Anny comments?

Anyone like it?
 
Put a space after every period. You're sentences are all together and look like a mess, plus it is rushed, like PimpRaichuKing said. You also need to make your chapters longer. Way longer, if you want people to like it or feel any suspense or story build-up. Short chapters leave you with something missing after reading it.
 
PokeLen said:
Put a space after every period. You're sentences are all together and look like a mess, plus it is rushed, like PimpRaichuKing said. You also need to make your chapters longer. Way longer, if you want people to like it or feel any suspense or story build-up. Short chapters leave you with something missing after reading it.
Click to expand...

This is still the first chapter.
 
I like that. That is so cool. It almost sounds like Movie 10.:)
 
It is still pretty good though.:)
 
"Th-Th-Thank you." the Ho-oh said as it tried to grasp its egg.
"Your welcome." I said with a smile on my face.

I then looked at the Time and Space Towers. Once long ago Mom and Dad saved this place when they were eleven. My egg cracked in its case and I thought it would hatch. I wondered who is my first pokemon??? I looked at the Legendaries who looked like they were so dead they were alive.

I asked Darkrai," What happenned?"
Darkrai replied," Dialga and Palkia got into it. Rayquaza assigned Groudon and Kyogre to stop this nonseless. Then both teams got into it. Thats when I stepped into it. But Ho-oh stepped in the way of my Shadow Ball and you can see what happened."
"What was Ho-oh doing here?" I asked.
"I was here to show Darkrai my egg and and asked him to watch it for a while." Ho-oh replied.

The Ho-oh's egg cracked and opened. When the egg opened,a ray of light flew out and a baby Shiny Ho oh- came out from the ray along with a normal baby Ho-oh.

Is this Ash's first pokemon? Post for more answers.
 
You need more detail. You rush through the chapter. You barely told any details. Like Ash's decsrpition (we all should know that, but it gets the readers invovled)

Ash gets a baby shiny Ho-Oh...right...

You need more detail. That chapter should be apart of the last. And so should part 2. There so short
 
It is still chapter 1 and I will cover more details in Future and Past hint hint chapters.
 
You still need details! Details give the story life as details paint the picture of the story. Without details, people won't know what's going on
 
Ash's Adventure part 4

"I thought Legendaries only have one baby per egg" I said.
"They do. Only except with Shinies.(soo not true) When I shiny pokemon is born, an exact clone is born." Darkrai said.

I thought about it for a moment,then another,then another,then I was thinking for 5 minutes.I wondered, "Me? Have a baby Ho-oh? Noooooo. Yes. Noo. YES... Noo. Ok yes." Suddenly, Dialga came up and used Roar of Time on everyone while Palkia used Spacial Rend causing a dimensional rip and time to slow doowwnn.. By then Kyogre and Groudon have awoken and they continue fighting.Groudon uses Fissure causing a massive earthquake and Dialga falls into the fissure along with Palkia. Kyogre uses Sheer Cold to try and KO them but they come out of the Fissure. The Angry Legendaries are all about to attack us when...

"Go, Gliscor! Go, Floatzel!"
"Go,Ambipom! Go,Mamoswine!"

Who is this duo? Find out in Chapter 2!

Sweet Dawn said:
You still need details! Details give the story life as details paint the picture of the story. Without details, people won't know what's going on
Click to expand...

Can I give you the story then you can tell me what to add?
 
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