Writing Ash's Adventure

On a 1-10 scale what do you think of Ash's Adventure?(If you vote,you must post)(Do not comment on n

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Ok, hold on lol.

First off, it seemed kind of rushed. There wasn't really any detail or suspense. You should have talked more about his journey to see Lugia. One minute he's saying bye to Pikachu and Pachirisu, next minute, boom he's with Lugia already?

And I thought he only had an egg to start with? How did he get a Staraptor?

And is it me, or did you jump from 3rd person view to 1st person view in Chapter 1 Pt. 2?
 
Sweet Dawn writes some of this too.He has more detail and I do more detail soon. I write on the weekends though and SD writes on weekdays.

It isnt his staraptor it is Ash's his dads.:)
 
I see a good plot, but as everyone says, more detail and less action. Also, don't try to write an incredibly long chapter in one go. Take your time. Write some each day, then polish and refine it. It also helps to give it to someone else to read. I also suggest writing it on Microsoft Word. The lack of periods and commas are appalling. Oh, and planning each chapter out beforehand also helps.

P.S. HI SWEET DAWN!!! REMEMBER ME??? GAME CORNER!!!!
 
I still don't like you....I don't forget grudges, just like Bannets

SG, you do the next chapter since I did Chapter 5...
 
Chapter 6 Is Here!!!!! : The Flaming Aura!

A golden haired boy came up to Ash with a Turtwig, a Snorunt, and a Tyrogue following while the brunette haired boy walked away. The golden haired boy was wearing a tight white vest over an orange and white striped short shirt with a pair of jean shorts and matching Nikes. He ran up to Ash and said, “ Sorry for my brother, he gets that from our Dad. Do you wanna have a battle?” Ash said, “ Ok sure. My names Ash, what’s yours?” The boy replied, “I am Tyson, nice to meet you. Go, Tyrogue and Snorunt!” Ash sent out Riolu and Chimchar(He jumped in without queue) and thought , “ How am I going to win? It’s 2 against 3.” Ash must have said it out loud since Tyson replied, “ What do you mean? Oh you mean Turtwig he is following me around for some reason. I will catch him after this battle. What about your Chimchar and Piplup?” Ash said , “ These guys just follow me around I think I should catch them. Anyways Chimchar, Riolu Flaming Sphere!” Chimchar enveloped himself in a Flaming Sphere while Riolu sent Aura all over the flaming sphere making a blue flame. The blue flame hit Snorunt and burned Tyrogue. Snorunt was knocked back into a nearby rock but it came up quickly. Tyrogue stopped dropped and rolled and the fire went off.

“ Snorunt, Tyrogue! Icy Combat!”

Snorunt used Icy wind on Tyrogue’s hands and then jumped back and used Icy wind. The stage froze making it a better field for moves that gain power by speed. Chimchar used this to his advantage by dodging and countering with an ember at snorunt. Snorunt fainted and Tyson returned him. Even though Chimchar used the speed to its advantage, he slipped on the ice and flew into Tyrogue’s close combat. Chimchar flew into Riolu who was covered in aura who was set on fire because of Chimchar’s flame. Riolu was covered in blue flames and was empowered. Riolu fired an Aura Sphere at Tyrogue and knocked it out.

“Good game, want to be apart of my group?” Ash said.
“You too. Sure Id love to.” Tyson replied.

A brunette girl looking similar to the stranger at my house came up to us and said , “Can I be apart of your group too? My name is May.” She’s pretty. Ash said in his thoughts. “Uh…uhh…. Your pretty ….” May blushed and said , “ Tyson, should I take that as a yes?” “Ash, you can flirt with May later.?
May, sure you can.” “Yippie!” May yelled in a sudden burst of excitement. “Let’s go make a camp on Route 203, it is starting to rain and get dark.” Ash said, finally snapping out of his trance. When they finally made camp a herd of shinx came in soaking wet from the rain and fell asleep with them. Next update coming soon!
 
Too many new characters, not enough detail. The punctuation is very confusing, and you can do well to foreshadow first and have events later, but don't place it randomly or make it too obvious. I think you tried to foreshadow with the whole Lugia/Darkrai thing, but it was, unfortunately, disorganized and obvious.This story could do well with a plot, too. You're already at chapter six, and I have no idea what you're leading to. Having Ash just train and grow up is very boring. Don't just throw legendaries in here and there, either. Reserve them for the actual plot. I also found that when working with a partner, it is easy to have two totally different ideas that will lead farther and farther away from each other. When you develop the story, this problem will be more evident. Try to decide together beforehand what the plot will be like, and have each other check over the other person's chapters, so the story will flow.
 
Exactly my point. I can guarantee that you will clash. If worst comes to worse, break up. That's what Serebii1997J and I did.
 
I will take her out but can you think of a new girl SD? You got chap 7.
LO I will take your advice
 
It seems kind of...scattered. Fragmented. It doesn't have very good flow. There's a lot of mispellings and odd grammar issues, like having 3 question marks (that's a no-no).

I haven't read the whole thing, but it's too short and undetailed. There's no pull to keep you interested, it doesn't really breathe any life. The characters aren't, I guess, lifelike. It just doesn't have enough immerson.

It's a good effort, though. Just keep trying. Live and Learn.
 
Nice, but I still think it has a couple problems. (what doesn't though?) I think Like LO said, you two need to think of ONE plot-line and follow it. :)
 
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