Writing Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 11 IS HERE! COME CHECK IT OUT AND COMMENT!

[gamercal]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Nah, character posting isn't exactly my thing. It's nice to know that writers ask their audience for them though. But if I'm going to make characters, I'm going to be using them in my own fic as opposed to everyone elses. The idea is still dependant on my spare time and how much I get past my perfectionist nature, but it's a distinct possibility. As a result, I'm not handing anything out to anyone until I get it done. Sorry if that sounds nasty or anything, but I always prefer to explain why I do things unless it's blatantly obvious.

 

[pokechazz]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Thanks Chazz9 I am finishing up Chapter 4, i am going to try to make this a longer chapter! Also if you would like to post charactes feel free, however i already have the 3 main characters, you only know 2 right now but i assure you you will be in it!

Thanks!!! I' add a character!
Name:Chaz
Pokemon: You can choose for me.
Age:13
If you need anything else, just ask!!

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Nah, character posting isn't exactly my thing. It's nice to know that writers ask their audience for them though. But if I'm going to make characters, I'm going to be using them in my own fic as opposed to everyone elses. The idea is still dependant on my spare time and how much I get past my perfectionist nature, but it's a distinct possibility. As a result, I'm not handing anything out to anyone until I get it done. Sorry if that sounds nasty or anything, but I always prefer to explain why I do things unless it's blatantly obvious.

Gamercal: Actually that made alot of sense!! The only reason i gave out my characters recently because i wanted to see how different authors adapted my character. I gave them my background info and see what they do with it.

Chazz: ok thanks for letting me choose the pokemon But there is one thing, what type do you PREFER, dont worry your whole team wont be this whole type or anything like that, its just for the starter!

 

[pokechazz]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Oh ok, um, I really like water pokemon. So water type please!

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Ok can do!! Chapter probably wont be up tonight cause i have the dress rehersal for the school play but expect it REALLY SOON!!

 

[gamercal]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Well, I'm glad you understand what I was meaning. It IS nice to see someone else use characters you've developed, however. They just won't be coming from me any time soon - I have too much to worry about irl right now.

 

[riolu_ranger]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

here is that banner i was talking about, a little late...

i am still workin on the sprite

 

[gamercal]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Wow, that's pretty nice! But, don't you think since it's for team OCEAN Blaze that it should have a water pokemon or two in it?

 

[riolu_ranger]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

thanks, well there is an ocean in the backgroud, but i will make one with water pokemon ans fire and see how it turns out!

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Cool RR but i have to agree with Gamercal, and after all im a bit of a water pokemon freak!!! anyway I just finished the 4th chapter. Hope you like it. anyway im off to get a christmas tree and heres the 4th chapter Its longer so i hope you read it and like it!! Ill get some tcs up for them soon!!

Chapter 4
Matt was in shock, he closed his eyes and listened. He listened for anything he shouldn’t be hearing. Time seemed to freeze; he blocked out all the screaming from the frightened passengers and tried to hear some mechanic break down. He didn’t hear a thing. The engine must of not blown out, the plan just…stopped landing. What was going on? Of course Matt thought The pilots, they must have stopped flying the plane. Oh no! The Pilots!! “Max let’s go, we have to help them!” yelled Matt as he started to run down the aisle of the plane. Max stood up and followed Matt “What are you talking about? What are you doing?” Max yelled as he ran behind Matt. They were sitting in the very back of the plane so they had to run through the entire plane to get to the cockpit. Max was still running behind Matt and still confused. Matt seemed to turn into someone who wasn’t himself. He was serious, he was thinking on his feet, he was someone Max had never seen before. Matt was approaching the cockpit and he saw a girl standing at the door. She was jiggling the knob trying to get in.
“Are you all right in there, what’s going on!” She yelled, she was thinking the same thing Matt was.
“What’s going on” Matt asked her
“The door is locked! Something must be wrong with the…”
“The pilots, I know. Can you hear anything from in there?”
“No we have to get in there and FAST, can you break down the door?”
“I can try but…” As Matt was talking Max came sprinting down and didn’t even see Matt or the girl.
“Max, keep running!” Matt yelled, Max had his eyes closed and was running as fast as he could! Max listened and just kept running until “WHAM” Max ran straight into the cockpit door. And sure enough, the door broke and fell down with Max on top of it.
“Well….I guess that will work” said the girl.
Matt and the girl ran into the cockpit. “No pilots” They said in unison.
“Please tell me you know how to fly this thing” Said the girl
“Well, I have flown simulators before, but those were helicopters and…”
“I don’t care just fly the plane!! The concepts have to be the same” Matt jumped into the seat and looked at the control panel. There were tons of flips and switches and dials and he didn’t know what to do at all. Although there was a radio, and a little red switch to the side of it. It said R.C on one side and Auto on the other. Well what do I have to lose, o ya, 100 lives. O well I’m going for it! Matt thought as he flipped the switch from R.C to Auto. Nothing was happening, they were still going down. Oh no, I’m not risking anything, that switch is going back Matt flipped the switch back to R.C.
“ughh, Can I get some help from down here.” Max said, Matt and the girl were too sucked up in it all and paid no attention to him. They were getting too close to the ground, it looked liked the tail end of the plane would hit straight into the back of the airport. Max tried to get up, he grabbed a lever to pull himself up. He tried to pull himself up but the lever slid back to a down position and he fell back down. The plane started to gain speed, it was rising, slowly but it was.
“Were, were going up!” Yelled the girl!
“Max you’re a genius! said Matt. The plane was rising and actually was turning too. Nobody was touching anything. Except Max who was still trying to pull himself up with the handle.
“Need some help there” The girl asked Max
“Yes please!!” exclaimed Max and both Matt and the girl reached to help him up. All of a sudden a voice over the intercom of the plane came.
“Hello everyone, this is your old friend Mr. Bing. Pretty intense situation that just happened here wasn’t it. Well let’s just say you’ll learn more about it later. The plane is landing and you will be in no more danger what so ever. You will find out more about the itinerary when you arrive at the board room. O yes how could I forget, the boardroom. Now that we are on this spectacular island paradise there are few buildings. Although there is one huge building we call the boardroom. It is 17 stories tall with everything you can imagine. From this small airport you will be taken by 4 Double Decker busses to the board room. There we will brief you some things you don’t know about yet and give you your all important starter Pokémon! To keep it simple the starters we have managed to round up are the same starters you have seen in your gameboy games and on your TV’s. However there is one difference. You will not get to choose your starter. Your starter has been chosen a few months ago during our investigation on which Pokémon suits you the best. Good luck everyone. I’ll see you all soon.”
“Soooo does anyone have any idea what just happened” Matt exclaimed as the 3 were still standing in the cockpit watching the plane fly itself.
“No idea, but it was crazy, and I assume the rest of this journey will be crazy too” Said the Girl “O by the way, my name is Ellen, and you on must be Max” she said as she looked at Max.
“That’s me! I also should say I’m usually not this much of a klutz” said Max
“And I’m Matt, nice to meet ya Ellen”
“So where you guys from” asked Ellen as the plane was landing.
“I’m from St. Louis Missouri, you know the united sta…” said Matt
“The united states I know, I’m from Chicago” replied Ellen “What about you Max”
“New York City! It’s really awesome there, they have everythi…” The plane was landing with abrupt stops and all 3 of them fell to the ground.
“ya we probably should of went to our seats” said Ellen as they were trying to get up.
The whole group exited and were told to go straight to the busses that would take them to the boardroom. The trio ran to the busses and made sure they got seats on the top where they could see all of the Pokémon and the rest of the island! They saw Sentret playing with each other behind trees and Poliwag’s running along the shore of a beach.
“It’s…it’s all so…amazing.” Said Ellen as she watched everything that was all going on. “I just can’t...”
“Take it all in” Matt and Max both said together. They were feeling the exact same thing. The busses suddenly turned. Since the buss Matt, Max, and Ellen were on was leading the group they felt the sharp turn first. They could see a mountain in front of them with just a small tunnel in the middle. No way the bus is going to fit in that Matt thought and sure enough it did. Max’s head almost banged on the top of the tunnel but sure enough they fit through fine. When they came through the tunnel everyone expected to keep going on a dirt road as they had been but that wasn’t it at all. The whole mountain opened up and a huge building appeared. The building was enclosed by the big mountain. The mountain was a huge circle with the building which he assumed to be the boardroom was in the dead center of it.
“That must be the boardroom” said Max. Matt and Ellen nodded in agreement and couldn’t wait to get in. The busses took an abrupt stop and everyone headed into the building that looked like the empire state building. As the group walked in they saw Mr. Bing who led them into a huge room almost like the in D.C but way more official. The first thing everyone saw was huge tray of around 600 pokeballs.
“Wow” said Matt even though everyone was in amazement. “Do you think they are all empty, I assume 6 for each of us right?”
“Well, he said our starters wee pre-chosen so I guess there must be a Pokémon in one of them.” Said Max.
“Well hello again everyone” Said Mr. Bing as he walked to the giant stage. “Now I can see you are all staring at those pokeballs, don’t worry ill get to that soon. But first let me talk to you about something I’m sure some of you are still shaking about. That plane you were on never had pilots. Yet you were also never in any danger. That plane was one of the U.N’s un-manned planes. These are usually used for war craft but this way we can make sure there were no stowing away or taking over the plane. There was no emergency. That crash was all planned out. It was used to see how well you acted under complete surprise. Some of you…well some of you screamed like 5 year old girls and did nothing. But there were 3 of you who rose to the challenge. Matthew Green, Maximillion Gellar, and Ellen Buffet. Please come up here on stage. The three were surprised they were being honored for doing what there gut told them to do. They walked on stage while the others were clapping. “Now to congratulate you three you will receive you’re Pokémon, Pokeballs, and other necessities for this Journey first.” Mr. Bing walked over to the giant tray and grabbed 3 belts and put 5 pokeballs on them. They were small but as everyone here knew with the press of a button they would be around tennis ball size. “Now, you have 5 empty Pokeballs on this belt. You can catch wild Pokémon with these; the concepts are the same as in the games and the T.V show. Now down to your real Pokémon.” Mr. Bing handed Matt, Max, and Ellen one Pokeball each. “Now, throw these up in the air on the count of 3. 1,2,3!” They through their pokeballs up in the air and they opened. A big beam of light shot down to the ground. All of a sudden there were 3 Pokémon standing in front of the 3 trainer. Yes trainers. Now that they have their Pokémon they are truly trainers. In front of Matt stood a Piplup with a beautiful blue coat. In front of Max stood a Treecko that was as green as a leaf. And in front of Ellen was a Cyndaquil, it’s flame was already burning strong. It had Begun.

 

[vasoguardx]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS IN!! COME CHECK IT OUT!! AND COMMENT!!

Great job. I wonder how you are going to make the rest of the storyline and keep it interesting.

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS IN!! COME CHECK IT OUT!! AND COMMENT!!

thanks vaso! I have this all planned out. Well i think i do. If during the end of this i have loyal fans i no exactly how im going to do a sequal!! but i have some really good ideas, i just have to piece them all toghether!! I really hope people like it!! if u have any suggestions let me no!!

 

[riolu_ranger]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS IN!! COME CHECK IT OUT!! AND COMMENT!!

GREAT CHAPTER!
here is the trainer sprite:

i made two which one do you like better the first or the seccond?

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS IN!! COME CHECK IT OUT!! AND COMMENT!!

Thanks RR im working on the next one as we speak! Those are really cool RR!! Although I did take it and edit the sprite a little. You see I had made the other 2 sprites before i started the fic. And when i compared the 3 yours made Max look a lot older then the other 2 so I changed it around a little.

I also made 3 TC's ill put them on the first post!

 

[riolu_ranger]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 4 IS IN!! COME CHECK IT OUT!! AND COMMENT!!

ok sounds great!

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 5 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Hey guys sorry for the delay on chapters i have exams next week and im pretty much cramming! Once Christmas break starts chapters will be flying! Ill get the new one to you maybe this weekend and then will just see it from there!

 

[Flygon]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 5 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Great Fan-Fic MoneyKing63!! Keep it up! *Two Thumbs Up*

 

[gamercal]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 5 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Well, having re-read that last chapter, I can say you seem to have done a similar thing to me... you've built things up a lot before truly getting to any "action". The plane thing was cool, don't get me wrong. But "action" in these fics tends to involve the pokemon rather than other things . But basically, you've gone for a good foundation before truly setting off. This is a great sign to me - it shows that the writer is actually thinking about the story, rather than creating lots of senseless "drama" that don't gel together at all. Good!

Right, onto my criticisms. They aren't THAT plentiful, but they do exist. I'll give a list for your convinience

1) You should put spaces between paragraphs. It makes things a LOT neater upon reading, and it generally helps the flow of the story.

2) If a character talks, and you're going to have them do something afterwards (even if it's describing HOW they talked), you need to have a comma before the last speech mark. I know this sounds INCREDIBLY Grammer Nazi-ish, but it's true. That comma slows the pace of reading down slightly, allowing for more time to absorb what is going on. One quick example:

"So where you guys from" asked Ellen as the plane was landing.

"So where you guys from," asked Ellen as the plane was landing.

There was also one clear point that you missed your speech marks, but that's not OVERLY criminal, unless you're going for total perfection

3) Be careful which version of words you use when. It's common to misuse words like "Their" and "too", but watch out for it.

The three were surprised they were being honored for doing what there gut told them to do

The three were surprised they were being honored for doing what their gut told them to do

4) It might just be the style of your fic, I dunno, but it MIGHT be an idea to try and avoid most of the common shorthands that you see in internet writing. Not lol and those, things like these:

"ya we probably should of went to our seats" said Ellen as they were trying to get up.

Well what do I have to lose, o ya, 100 lives.

Not to stop you using them if they fit what you're going for, but it's a casual observation. My last quote also brings me to my final (for now) point I want to make.

5) There weren't many examples of this, but be careful of run-on sentences. Saying too many things in a single sentence makes things confusing for the reader to understand.

Well what do I have to lose, o ya, 100 lives.

Well, what do I have to lose? Oh yeah... 100 lives.

This is the only one I could find off-hand.This may be the only one, I don't know, but watch out for them all the same!

Well, that's my analysis so far. You told me you wanted "brutal", so that's what I went for. I hope you can take positives from the criticisms I noted - they ARE designed to be constructive. I also DID note good things as well, so it's hardly all doom and gloom

I also noted that you used MS Word, like me. HOWEVER, be careful of editing your posts with this in mind. Pokebeach has a nasty habit of wrecking your quotation marks, hyphens, apostrophes AND ellipses; it replaces them with squares... You'll need to edit your whole post to repair this if you want to edit anything there. Alternatively, you could do something I haven't done yet - edit the word document and re-copy it over the top of your first post.

I think your time for build-up in this story is done though - now is the time for action. That's talking the obvious, but I reckon that you have a decent start and need to progress that start with some good action scenes

Good luck with this once your break starts

 

[Moneyking63]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 5 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Thanks alot Flygon!

Thanks alot gamercal that really helped me!! Im going into much more pokemon related things now! Now that my 3 characters have thier pokemon, the chapter im writing involves a battle with someone (all im going to say) and a dangerous adventure! Lets if i have anything to say about the remarks you made...ok heres one. For 4, i try and talk like 13 year olds would. So I do abbreviate some things such as Ya, gotcha,things like that. I would NEVER type LOL or OMG or anything like that! Im not that lazy my new chapter will probably be up saturday or sunday. Sorry everyone for the prolonged chapter i have exams this week so i am under quite a bit of stress, once this week is done ill be back! ok i have to go now but thanks again gamercal i will watch out for everything!

 

[gamercal]

RE: Pokemon Journey Through Life, CHAPTER 5 IS ON ITS WAY!!

Well, I'm glad you got the meaning of what I was putting across with those. 4 was cause I was really trying to pick out some "flaws" and I noticed them. I know they aren't flaws (it's part of the "dialect" used in this fic) but it COULD have been in a slightly more formal approach. You nailed the reply to that perfectly though - confirming my thoughts regarding the choice of those words.

I look forward to you writing the next chapter! We should both try hard to make our fics awesome don't you think?