Writing Pokemon: The Savior of the Destroyed Galaxy! Finally completed!

RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

Very well done, 10/10.

It seems very sophisticated, and it is hard to pull off for Team Galactic. You should be an author!
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

^ Thank you! I love writing this story, in fact, it has been a pleasure working with Adron, documenting his tale. I feel as if I've known him my whole life!
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

Wow.

You can tell a lot of thought and determination has been put into the story. You're like this generations Roald Dahl with fantastic stories like this.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

Yeah, it sometimes can be draining. Did you know, Grausamer Krieger actually means something in German? It means, Cruel Warrior!
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

It's a neat concept, but you're rushing. Too much dialogue and hardly any description, and when you do have it, it is EXTREMELY bland. (i.e."It was very good.") I think you should take the time to go back and flesh out each chapter with more description, and maybe change a few names. Team Heart, I just can't take that name seriously.

NOTE: Recent chapters are a LITTLE better about this, but not by a whole lot.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

Dictator Dauntless said:
It's a neat concept, but you're rushing. Too much dialogue and hardly any description, and when you do have it, it is EXTREMELY bland. (I.e."It was very good.") I think you should take the time to go back and flesh out each chapter with more description, and maybe change a few names. Team Heart, I just can't take that name seriously.

NOTE: Recent chapters are a LITTLE better about this, but not by a whole lot.

I do what can. I have updated past chapters with more information. I try to keep it a bit slow paced. I will probably make a new chapter tomorrow.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

No offense, but you should be spending more time than a day on a chapter.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

Dictator Dauntless said:
No offense, but you should be spending more time than a day on a chapter.

I do. I have been coming up with the plot line for chapter eight since FL states.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

Dictator Dauntless said:
No offense, but you should be spending more time than a day on a chapter.

I concur. I've been working on my Chapter 13 for days and it's still far from finished. (i've redone it a couple of times :p)
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

SixaxiS said:
Dictator Dauntless said:
No offense, but you should be spending more time than a day on a chapter.

I concur. I've been working on my Chapter 13 for days and it's still far from finished. (I've redone it a couple of times :p)

Well, it might supposed to be a short story or something, but I think its great! To me it dosen't matter about story length, its what the thought and hard work that completely counts. I prefer a short story than a long story.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 7 is now up! The Bloody Dunes!

raichupika33 said:
SixaxiS said:
Dictator Dauntless said:
No offense, but you should be spending more time than a day on a chapter.

I concur. I've been working on my Chapter 13 for days and it's still far from finished. (I've redone it a couple of times :p)

Well, it might supposed to be a short story or something, but I think its great! To me it dosen't matter about story length, its what the thought and hard work that completely counts. I prefer a short story than a long story.

I'm not talking about for length. Reviewing, make sure everything is clearly explained, proofreading, etc.If it takes you less than a day to do you simply haven't done it right.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 8 is now up!

Chapter eight: Trouble at the bridge of Draylen
Team Heart's campsite had been set up, once they had walked for quite some time. It was set up... Well... They couldn't really tell where they were, as the desert looked the same wherever they went. They thought it must be in the middle of the desert, but really, there was absolutely no proof to support this. It was just an endless expanse of sand, never ending. They had set up tents, which could be taken apart and put into even a cramped space, such as a backpack. After setting up these tents, they got anyone with Fire-type Pokemon to light a fire. This was done with one of Team Heart's Grass-type Pokemon, which placed some leaves at the place where they wanted to start a fire. After they had made a fire, most of Team Heart went inside their tents, including Adron. The rest were on watch duty. It wasn't that bad of a job, you lost a few hours of sleep, but you got the warmth of the fire. Among the members that had watch duty, was Xanthius. He always had watch duty, but he wanted it that way. Never once did any of them see anything out of the ordinary. The night was pretty straight-forward. But what none of them could see, was a masked man that intently stared at the tents of Team Heart, as if he were awaiting his chance.

Adron was woken by Xanthius. The sun was shining brightly outside of Adron's tent. Xanthius had quite a menacing appearance when he was in front of the sun like that, thought Adron.
"Are you ready to move on to Abbot Town?", asked Xanthius. Adron nodded, feeling somewhat tired, but nevertheless determined to fight off Team Galactic. He got up quickly, and checked on his Pidgeot, to make sure it was okay. After doing all of this, he, and all of Team Heart, headed north towards where they thought Abbot Town was located at. They walked for several hours on end, the sun always somewhat more increasingly bright. The desert would never end, they all thought. More than once Xanthius had to pull back Adron from several convincingly realistic-looking mirages. As they walked further, they saw a great mountain ahead of them. It was not made of sand, no, it was made out of hard rock. Team Heart started to use some of their Pokemon to climb the rocks while they were on top of their backs, but others, including Adron, use their Pokemon to fly themselves atop the mountain. Adron and his Pidgeot arrived at the top of the mountain first, and they were the first to see the great bridge before them. It was a long bridge, almost a singe mile long. It was also extremely narrow. Without it, a way to get to the other side would be impossible. Adron started walking towards the bridge, when Team Heart arrived at the top of the great mountain. Xanthius saw Adron walk towards the other side of the bridge, and he hurried along. He caught up with Adron quickly.
"Adron, next time, you should wait for us,", Xanthius told Adron,
"This bridge might not have been safe!". Adron nodded, and turned his head towards his destination. He was surprised to see, however, that in the short time that he had talked to Xanthius, a man that wasn't there before suddenly was. He wore a dark cloak, and even in the intense sunlight of the Bloody Dunes, it seemed black as night. He also wore a mask, that made him look inhuman, as it showed nothing of a man. Adron stopped dead in his tracks. Xanthius looked over Adron's shoulder to see what was the matter. He felt the hairs of his neck stand up on end. The appearance of the man was enough alone to do this. But this wasn't the main cause: The man held a sharp knife above the strings that were holding up the bridge. They were both staring death in the face. A few more members had crossed to where Adron and Xanthius now stood, but were surprised when they saw the man up ahead. They signed to the rest of Team Heart not to cross the bridge yet. Ten men were now on the bridge. They all just stared at the man, feeling a small light of hope in their hearts that perhaps he was just a mirage. Or perhaps, just a shadow. But he wasn't. Xanthius had enough of this silence. He shouted to the masked man,
"Who are you, and what do you want from us?". The masked man bowed to them all. He then replied,
"I am Grausamer Krieger, extraordinary hunter, as well as tracker. I am the darkness in your hearts, I am the doubt that now flows through your veins. I am a master of emotions. I can tell anything I need to know from your faces. Your movements. The way you breathe. But any way, that is another matter. Do not let my identity concern you. Just know what I want from you: I want that boy that foolishly crossed the bridge of Draylen. I want him for my master, Commander Saturn. He is an honorable man. Give me the boy, and you shall all live. I am a man of my word. Give up this boy, who has put you in this situation with me.". As Grausamer said this, the looks on the faces of Team Heart were changed. And he knew what would happen next. He had got in. He toyed with their emotions, and they gave in. Adron would be his, in a matter of a few seconds. And then, he would kill Team Heart. Xanthius grabbed Adron, and started to force Adron to walk towards the masked man. They walked closer, and closer to this man, Adron trying to break free from the iron clasp of Xanthius. As Xanthius got closer to the masked man, his facial expression started to change. This always happened, thought Grausamer. He got ready for his final blow. Adron was just a few steps from Grausamer. Adron fought as hard as he could, but he could not get free. He even bit Xanthius' arm, which was now bleeding, but Xanthius seemed not to notice.
With the intense amount of focus Grausamer was giving his target, he did not notice that Team Heart had backed away from the bridge, safely on the other side. As he was almost across the bridge, Xanthius stopped, as Grausamer predicted he would. Grausamer leaned forward, and wrenched his mask off with sudden force. The mask came off, and beneath it was a face that would curdle the blood of anyone who saw it. Grausamer's unmasked face was terrible to behold. His hair was jet-black, and unkempt. His eyes were a piercing red, and they were extremely blood-shot. His nose was pointed, and incredibly so. It looked almost like a knife, so pointed it was. His mouth was in the form of a crazed smile. This wasn't the reason to be shocked, however. What really gave Grausamer gave off such a bad vibe, was because his constantly licked his lips, and every time he did this, his eyes rolled back into his skull. This wasn't pretending, either. He was just that crazy. The shock of such a face made Xanthius loose his balance, which was perfect for Grausamer. He pulled Adron out of Xanthius' grip, and then, he cut the strings that held up the bridge. Xanthius never knew what happened next. He couldn't feel himself anymore. Before he could open his eyes, the bridge collided with a great pointed stone at the bottom. And with that, both Xanthius, as well as the bridge of Draylenm, died.

Adron couldn't believe what happened, and neither could Team Heart. They had let this man take away their only hope of reaching Abbot Town, as well as give him Adron, who was in the hands of this crazy man. He took Adron with him, to the shouts of Team Heart, who could nothing about it. Grausamer took Adron, and knocked him on the side of his head, quite harshly. It knocked Adron out, and he knew nothing more.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 8 is now up!

PokeChamp said:
Chapter eight: Trouble at the bridge of Draylen
Team Heart's campsite had been set up, once they had walked for quite some time. It was set up... Well... They couldn't really tell where they were, as the desert looked the same wherever they went. They thought it must be in the middle of the desert, but really, there was absolutely no proof to support this. It was just an endless expanse of sand, never ending. They had set up tents, which could be taken apart and put into even a cramped space, such as a backpack. After setting up these tents, they got anyone with Fire-type Pokemon to light a fire. This was done with one of Team Heart's Grass-type Pokemon, which placeneeds to be 'placed' although there's probably a better word some leaves at the place where they wanted to start a fire. After they had made a fire is not a proper noun here, decapitalizeFire, most of Team Heart went inside their tents, including Adron. The rest were on watch duty. It wasn't that bad of a job, you lost a few hours of sleep, but you got the warmth of the fire. Among the members that had watch duty, was Xanthius. He always had watch duty, but he wanted it that way. And it was only he that saw, what he had seen. A large meteor had zoomed through the air at breakneck speed, and it collided with a far-off mountain of sand. No one heard anything at the campsite of Team Heart, though, as the mountain of sand was so dense, that even a large impact such as this had no effect on the vast sands of the Bloody Dunes. Although Xanthius didn't say anything to his team mates about this, he thought he saw someone, or most likely something, crawl from the sands, and fly off north towards where Abbot Town was located on Xanthius' map.

As the meteor descended upon planet Earth, the Pokemon inside it thought about where it would land. It had heard stories from the elders of it's kind, stories about the meteor landing on the landmarks of the humans. Sad stories, of mass tragedy, sometimes caused by the meteor that had hit Earth. Suddenly, the Pokemon inside the meteor flew out of it, forced by the sudden force of it's collision. The Pokemon was stunned for a few seconds, but it awoke after this short pause. It had landed in a vast desert. No destruction this time, it thought. The Pokemon suddenly shifted it's appearance. It's body became more stream-lined. get rid of the Yoda talk hereNot even the tentacles of this Pokemon were to slow it down, so fast was it. It took to the air in one gigantic leap, and it flew off north, to it's eventual destination, Abbot Town.

Adron was woken by Xanthius. The sun was shining brightly outside of Adron's tent. Xanthius had quite a menacing appearance when he was in front of the sun like that, thought Adron.
"Are you ready to move on to Abbot Town?", asked Xanthius. Adron nodded, feeling somewhat tired, but nevertheless determined to fight off Team Galactic. He got up quickly, and checked on his Pidgeot, to make sure it was okay. After doing all of this, he, and all of Team Heart, headed north towards where they thought Abbot Town was located at. They walked for several hours on end, the sun always somewhat more increasingly bright. The desert would never end, they all thought. More than once Xanthius had to pull back Adron from several convincingly realistic-looking mirages. As they walked further, they saw a great mountain ahead of them. It was not made of sand, no, it was made out of hard rock. Team Heart started to use some of their Pokemon to climb the rocks while they were on top of their backs, but others, including Adron, use their Pokemon to fly themselves atop the mountain. Adron and his Pidgeot arrived at the top of the mountain first, and they were the first to see the great bridge before them. It was a long bridge, almost a singe mile long. It was also extremely narrow. Without it, a way to get to the other side would be impossible. Adron started walking towards the bridge, when Team Heart arrived at the top of the great mountain. Xanthius saw Adron walk towards the other side of the bridge, and he hurried along. He caught up with Adron quickly.
"Adron, next time, you should wait for us,", Xanthius told Adron,
"This bridge might not have been safe!". Adron nodded, and turned his head towards his destination. He was surprised to see, however, that in the short time that he had talked to Xanthius, a man that wasn't there before suddenly was. He wore a dark cloak, and even in the intense sunlight of the Bloody Dunes, it seemed black as night. He also wore a mask, that made him look inhuman, as it showed nothing of a man. Adron stopped dead in his tracks. Xanthius looked over Adron's shoulder to see what was the matter. He felt the hairs of his neck stand up on end. The appearance of the man was enough alone to do this. But this wasn't the main cause: The man held a sharp knife above the strings that were holding up the bridge. They were both staring death in the face. A few more members had crossed to where Adron and Xanthius now stood, but were surprised when they saw the man up ahead. They signed to the rest of Team Heart not to cross the bridge yet. Ten men were now on the bridge. They all just stared at the man, feeling a small light of hope in their hearts that perhaps he was just a mirage. Or perhaps, just a shadow. But he wasn't. Xanthius had enough of this silence. He shouted to the masked man,
"Who are you, and what do you want from us?". The masked man bowed to them all. He then replied,
"I am Grausamer Krieger, extraordinary hunter, as well as tracker. I am the darkness in your hearts, I am the doubt that now flows through your veins. I am a master of emotions. I can tell anything I need to know from your faces. Your movements. The way you breathe. But any way, that is another matter. Do not let my identity concern you. Just know what I want from you: I want that boy that foolishly crossed the bridge of Draylen. I want him for my master, Commander Saturn. He is an honorable man. Give me the boy, and you shall all live. I am a man of my word. Give up this boy, who has put you in this situation with me.". As Grausamer said this, the looks on the faces of Team Heart were changed. And he knew what would happen next. He had got in. He toyed with their emotions, and they gave in. Adron would be his, in a matter of a few seconds. And then, he would kill Team Heart. Xanthius grabbed Adron, and started to force Adron to walk towards the masked man. They walked closer, and closer to this man, Adron trying to break free from the iron clasp of Xanthius. As Xanthius got closer to the masked man, his facial expression started to change. This always happened, thought Grausamer. He got ready for his final blow. Adron was just a few steps from Grausamer. Adron fought as hard as he could, but he could not get free. He even bit Xanthius' arm, which was now bleeding, but Xanthius seemed not to notice.
With the intense amount of focus Grausamer was giving his target, he did not notice that Team Heart had backed away from the bridge, safely on the other side. As he was almost across the bridge, Xanthius stopped, as Grausamer predicted he would. Grausamer leaned forward, and wrenched his mask off with sudden force. The mask came off, and beneath it was a face that would curdle the blood of anyone who saw it. Grausamer's unmasked face was terrible to behold. His hair was jet-black, and unkempt. His eyes were a piercing red, and they were extremely blood-shot. His nose was pointed, and incredibly so. It looked almost like a knife, so pointed it was. His mouth was in the form of a crazed smile. This wasn't the reason to be shocked, however. What really gave Grausamer gave off such a bad vibe, was because his constantly licked his lips, and every time he did this, his eyes rolled back into his skull. This wasn't pretending, either. He was just that crazy. The shock of such a face made Xanthius loose his balance, which was perfect for Grausamer. He pulled Adron out of Xanthius' grip, and then, he cut the strings that held up the bridge. Xanthius never knew what happened next. He couldn't feel himself anymore. Before he could open his eyes, the bridge collided with a great pointed stone at the bottom. And with that, both Xanthius, as well as the bridge of Draylenm, died.

Adron couldn't believe what happened, and neither could Team Heart. They had let this man take away their only hope of reaching Abbot Town, as well as give him Adron, who was in the hands of this crazy man. He took Adron with him, to the shouts of Team Heart, who could nothing about it. Grausamer took Adron, and knocked him on the side of his head, quite harshly. It knocked Adron out, and he knew nothing more.

Overall better, but I bolded some points in there.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 8 is now up!

Dictator Dauntless said:
PokeChamp said:
Chapter eight: Trouble at the bridge of Draylen
Team Heart's campsite had been set up, once they had walked for quite some time. It was set up... Well... They couldn't really tell where they were, as the desert looked the same wherever they went. They thought it must be in the middle of the desert, but really, there was absolutely no proof to support this. It was just an endless expanse of sand, never ending. They had set up tents, which could be taken apart and put into even a cramped space, such as a backpack. After setting up these tents, they got anyone with Fire-type Pokemon to light a fire. This was done with one of Team Heart's Grass-type Pokemon, which placeneeds to be 'placed' although there's probably a better word some leaves at the place where they wanted to start a fire. After they had made a fire is not a proper noun here, decapitalizeFire, most of Team Heart went inside their tents, including Adron. The rest were on watch duty. It wasn't that bad of a job, you lost a few hours of sleep, but you got the warmth of the fire. Among the members that had watch duty, was Xanthius. He always had watch duty, but he wanted it that way. And it was only he that saw, what he had seen. A large meteor had zoomed through the air at breakneck speed, and it collided with a far-off mountain of sand. No one heard anything at the campsite of Team Heart, though, as the mountain of sand was so dense, that even a large impact such as this had no effect on the vast sands of the Bloody Dunes. Although Xanthius didn't say anything to his team mates about this, he thought he saw someone, or most likely something, crawl from the sands, and fly off north towards where Abbot Town was located on Xanthius' map.

As the meteor descended upon planet Earth, the Pokemon inside it thought about where it would land. It had heard stories from the elders of it's kind, stories about the meteor landing on the landmarks of the humans. Sad stories, of mass tragedy, sometimes caused by the meteor that had hit Earth. Suddenly, the Pokemon inside the meteor flew out of it, forced by the sudden force of it's collision. The Pokemon was stunned for a few seconds, but it awoke after this short pause. It had landed in a vast desert. No destruction this time, it thought. The Pokemon suddenly shifted it's appearance. It's body became more stream-lined. get rid of the Yoda talk hereNot even the tentacles of this Pokemon were to slow it down, so fast was it. It took to the air in one gigantic leap, and it flew off north, to it's eventual destination, Abbot Town.

Adron was woken by Xanthius. The sun was shining brightly outside of Adron's tent. Xanthius had quite a menacing appearance when he was in front of the sun like that, thought Adron.
"Are you ready to move on to Abbot Town?", asked Xanthius. Adron nodded, feeling somewhat tired, but nevertheless determined to fight off Team Galactic. He got up quickly, and checked on his Pidgeot, to make sure it was okay. After doing all of this, he, and all of Team Heart, headed north towards where they thought Abbot Town was located at. They walked for several hours on end, the sun always somewhat more increasingly bright. The desert would never end, they all thought. More than once Xanthius had to pull back Adron from several convincingly realistic-looking mirages. As they walked further, they saw a great mountain ahead of them. It was not made of sand, no, it was made out of hard rock. Team Heart started to use some of their Pokemon to climb the rocks while they were on top of their backs, but others, including Adron, use their Pokemon to fly themselves atop the mountain. Adron and his Pidgeot arrived at the top of the mountain first, and they were the first to see the great bridge before them. It was a long bridge, almost a singe mile long. It was also extremely narrow. Without it, a way to get to the other side would be impossible. Adron started walking towards the bridge, when Team Heart arrived at the top of the great mountain. Xanthius saw Adron walk towards the other side of the bridge, and he hurried along. He caught up with Adron quickly.
"Adron, next time, you should wait for us,", Xanthius told Adron,
"This bridge might not have been safe!". Adron nodded, and turned his head towards his destination. He was surprised to see, however, that in the short time that he had talked to Xanthius, a man that wasn't there before suddenly was. He wore a dark cloak, and even in the intense sunlight of the Bloody Dunes, it seemed black as night. He also wore a mask, that made him look inhuman, as it showed nothing of a man. Adron stopped dead in his tracks. Xanthius looked over Adron's shoulder to see what was the matter. He felt the hairs of his neck stand up on end. The appearance of the man was enough alone to do this. But this wasn't the main cause: The man held a sharp knife above the strings that were holding up the bridge. They were both staring death in the face. A few more members had crossed to where Adron and Xanthius now stood, but were surprised when they saw the man up ahead. They signed to the rest of Team Heart not to cross the bridge yet. Ten men were now on the bridge. They all just stared at the man, feeling a small light of hope in their hearts that perhaps he was just a mirage. Or perhaps, just a shadow. But he wasn't. Xanthius had enough of this silence. He shouted to the masked man,
"Who are you, and what do you want from us?". The masked man bowed to them all. He then replied,
"I am Grausamer Krieger, extraordinary hunter, as well as tracker. I am the darkness in your hearts, I am the doubt that now flows through your veins. I am a master of emotions. I can tell anything I need to know from your faces. Your movements. The way you breathe. But any way, that is another matter. Do not let my identity concern you. Just know what I want from you: I want that boy that foolishly crossed the bridge of Draylen. I want him for my master, Commander Saturn. He is an honorable man. Give me the boy, and you shall all live. I am a man of my word. Give up this boy, who has put you in this situation with me.". As Grausamer said this, the looks on the faces of Team Heart were changed. And he knew what would happen next. He had got in. He toyed with their emotions, and they gave in. Adron would be his, in a matter of a few seconds. And then, he would kill Team Heart. Xanthius grabbed Adron, and started to force Adron to walk towards the masked man. They walked closer, and closer to this man, Adron trying to break free from the iron clasp of Xanthius. As Xanthius got closer to the masked man, his facial expression started to change. This always happened, thought Grausamer. He got ready for his final blow. Adron was just a few steps from Grausamer. Adron fought as hard as he could, but he could not get free. He even bit Xanthius' arm, which was now bleeding, but Xanthius seemed not to notice.
With the intense amount of focus Grausamer was giving his target, he did not notice that Team Heart had backed away from the bridge, safely on the other side. As he was almost across the bridge, Xanthius stopped, as Grausamer predicted he would. Grausamer leaned forward, and wrenched his mask off with sudden force. The mask came off, and beneath it was a face that would curdle the blood of anyone who saw it. Grausamer's unmasked face was terrible to behold. His hair was jet-black, and unkempt. His eyes were a piercing red, and they were extremely blood-shot. His nose was pointed, and incredibly so. It looked almost like a knife, so pointed it was. His mouth was in the form of a crazed smile. This wasn't the reason to be shocked, however. What really gave Grausamer gave off such a bad vibe, was because his constantly licked his lips, and every time he did this, his eyes rolled back into his skull. This wasn't pretending, either. He was just that crazy. The shock of such a face made Xanthius loose his balance, which was perfect for Grausamer. He pulled Adron out of Xanthius' grip, and then, he cut the strings that held up the bridge. Xanthius never knew what happened next. He couldn't feel himself anymore. Before he could open his eyes, the bridge collided with a great pointed stone at the bottom. And with that, both Xanthius, as well as the bridge of Draylenm, died.

Adron couldn't believe what happened, and neither could Team Heart. They had let this man take away their only hope of reaching Abbot Town, as well as give him Adron, who was in the hands of this crazy man. He took Adron with him, to the shouts of Team Heart, who could nothing about it. Grausamer took Adron, and knocked him on the side of his head, quite harshly. It knocked Adron out, and he knew nothing more.

Overall better, but I bolded some points in there.

All of those will be fixed. Except for the Yoda talk. Tolkien used this in Lord Of The Rings. Often some of his sentences sounded like Yoda. This is my tribute to the master of writing.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 9 is now up!

Chapter Nine: The search for Adron​
After the masked man, known as "Grausamer Krieger", disappeared from the sight of Team Heart, the spell he had put on them was vanquished. It took Team Heart a few minutes to remember what had happened. As soon as they remembered the events that had taken place here just a few minutes ago, they thought about Adron, and how he was captured. They all felt ashamed that they had given Adron to the masked man, quite willingly in fact. They didn't even give him a fight. They then remembered how Xanthius had died, murdered by the masked man. Their pain was immense. Among the members of Team Heart were Ash, and Cyrun, friends that Adron had met along his adventures. They were especially sad about losing Adron, who had grown on the two trainers. Team Heart had lost two of the best members if their team. They had to rescue Adron, whatever the cost. Grausamer had placed a spell on them, using their emotions against them. But they had to take Adron back. Already, it might be too late, but they had to try. Braxin, who with the death of Xanthius now become leader, asked Team Heart,
"We need to get the bridge back up. Do any of you have a Pokemon that could do it?". Cyrun thought about Xatu, and his grim expression turned into an expression of relief.
"I have a Pokemon who could do it.", said Cyrun. He took a Poke Ball from his waist, and he threw it into the air. Out of the Poke Ball came a bird. It stood upright, and was green. It always had a vacant stare, and would do nothing but stare.
"Xatu! Use Psychic to restore the bridge!", commanded Cyrun. The bird stretched it's wings out wide, and started to focus it's energy on the bridge. The shattered pieces of the bridge were repaired, and the rope that had been cut was no longer cut. The bridge and the rope rose into the air, and relocated themselves in the position of where the bridge once stood. The rope threaded through the bridge, and attached itself to the other side of the great cliff. The bridge was now restored!

Team Heart, along with Ash and Cyrun, raced across the bridge. They came to where the cliff ended, and they were surprised, for the way down was a lot easier that the way up. The ground was quite even on the path down, and it was almost like climbing down stairs, so easy was it. Once they were finished climbing down the great mountain, they started looking for Adron, as well as the masked man who had kidnapped Adron.

After scaling the mountain, the scenery changed. No longer was it a bare desert. There were plants, such as spiked cacti, and other plants a desert might hold. A few Pokemon ran around the desert, and Team Heart caught a few of these Pokemon. Ash caught a Trapinch, which was a termite Pokemon, and Cyrun caught a Cacturne, which was a cactus Pokemon. Other Pokemon were caught as well, such as Braxin's new Sandshrew. Through all this time, they had also been on the lookout for Adron. No sign of him ever appeared. They kept walking down the desert path, when all of a sudden, Braxin exclaimed,
"Look over there! It's Abbot Town!". And indeed it was. Before Team Heart was a massive city, which was surrounded by a massive wall. The wall was patrolled by several Team Galactic Grunts.
"Maybe Adron's in there?". Ash guessed.
"Perhaps.", answered Braxin. They were but a few miles from the city, when they saw a cloaked man sitting near a Palm Tree. The first thing they all thought was that they had found Grausamer. But on further inspection, they noted that this man wore no mask, and his face wasn't as ghastly as the man known as Grausamer. They walked up to this man, and Braxin asked the man,
"Who are you?". The man lifted his head in the direction of Braxin, and he looked at Braxin, who was standing before him. He paused for a moment, and then said,
"My name is of no importance to you. I am simply a man that has lost everything. And nothing more. This is all that you need to know.". Braxin looked very agitated.
"Why won't you give me your name?", he asked. The man looked at him once more, and said,
"Because it is of no importance to you. I have given you everything you need to know. What more do you want from me?". Braxin started towards the city, tromping off in anger. The rest of Team Heart followed him. But Ash stayed behind. He walked over to the man, and asked,
"Have you seen a masked man carrying a boy off with him?". Team Heart stopped following Braxin, and looked back at Ash. The old man paused once more. Finally, he responded,
"Yes. I have seen a man that wore a mask. He made me shiver with his mere presence. He carried a boy with him. The boy was brown-haired.".
"Where did they go?", asked Ash. Like a broken record, the man paused once more. He replied,
"The last I saw was the masked man entering the city with the boy. He was met by many Team Galactic grunts, who took the boy from him. The masked man then wondered east. And that's the last I have seen of both of them.". Ash hurried towards Team Heart.
"I know where he is!", exclaimed Ash.
"He's in the town!".

With this news, Team Heart headed swiftly towards Abbot Town. The city was guarded by a massive gate. Above the gate, one of Team Galactic's grunts approached them. He had an air of superiority about him. He attempted to ask Team Heart,
"What is your business h...", but paused. He saw the image of a heart on the newcomers shoulders. He realized what the business of these trainers was.
"Sound the alarm! They have come!", shouted the grunt. An alarm sounded, and almost immediately, the gate opened. However, standing before Team Heart, were many grunts. They rushed outside the town and summoned many Pokemon from their Poke Balls. Team Heart pulled all of their Pokemon from belts on their waists, and summoned a swarm of Pokemon. The next thing that happened, is too hard to describe. An all-out battle ensued. Many flashes and explosions surrounded the battlefield. The Pokemon battled intensely against the opposing Pokemon. The battle lasted for a long time, but eventually, Team Galactic lost, unable to defeat the forces of Team Heart. They had won, and now Team Galactic was unable to oppose them. The grunts ran away from the town as fast as they could, and the town was now free for Team Heart to explore. The town's citizens were in shock, afraid of the newcomers that had now arrived at their town. Braxin exclaimed to them all,
"Have no fear! Your oppressors have been defeated! No one can stop you from catching Pokemon now! We are Team Heart, evil's bane! We have saved you from the grasp of Team Galactic. Now, we need your help. One of our own has been captured, and he is being held here. We need to know where to find him.". The people of Abbot Town directed their heroes towards a large base that stood in the middle of the town. They told Team Heart that if Team Galactic had captured their friend, he would be here. They bashed down the door, with the help of their Pokemon, of course. Inside the massive structure, the grunts inside held their hands up, as a symbol of surrender. Team Heart asked one of the grunts to direct them towards the cells of their prisoners. The grunt took them underground, for what seemed like hours. But eventually, they reached their destination. Team Heart unlocked each and every prison. They found Adron's cell, and released him from the prison. Ash and Cyrun welcomed Adron with embrace.
"We were so worried about you!", they told Adron. Adron then said,
"Well, I'm fine now. I'm glad to be rid of that cell, I felt so cramped up in there.". Adron, Ash, and Cyrun, as well as Team Heart, started to walk back up the cells. But, they were stopped by the voice of one of the prisoners.
"Wait!", he exclaimed. The voice belonged to a young man. He had brown hair, and his face was dirty.
"You're Team Heart, aren't you?", he asked. Adron nodded. The boy smiled.
"Well, without your help, we would have been kept in these prisons forever. We must repay you, somehow. I speak for everyone here, when I say, we would like to come with you.". The many prisoners nodded their heads in agreement.
"We've all got Pokemon, that's why we were kept in cells, you know,", the boy explained,
"We won't be a burden, we promise.". Braxin walked towards the many prisoners.
"Welcome to Team Heart!", he welcomed them. The boys faces were overjoyed, and they all followed Team Heart. They all stayed in an inn for the night. They all had a restful sleep that night. Adron didn't sleep for awhile. He was too busy thinking about the days events. He was joyous, for he suddenly realized that the numbers of Team Heart had grown. They had scattered some of Team Galactic's members. They had taken over a few of Team Galactic's outposts, such as G Castle, and the town they were now in. Adron thought they might be ready to fight off Team Galactic, once and for all! But the couldn't decide this. He would have to ask Braxin in the morning. He thought of no more, for he drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

Saturn had received the call. Adron was waiting for him in Abbot Town. He flew, using a Staraptor, to Abbot Town. By the time he arrived there, it was already nightfall. He walked towards the town, expecting the familiar grunts to ask him what his business here. He would then give him the access code, and the grunt would let him through. But the grunt never came. Instead, one of the town's residents appeared on top of the wall. He asked,
"What is your business here?". Saturn was surprised that he wasn't welcomed by a grunt, but he gave the access code,
"None of your business, that's what my business is!". But the man never let him in. Instead, the man replied,
"Team Galactic is not welcome here!", exclaimed the man. Saturn was outraged. He shouted at the man, but he never was let in. He sat outside, yelling all night. He eventually walked away, and tried to sleep near the palm tree, his voice horse. But, he didn't see a man already sleeping there. He stepped on the man, which woke him up. He saw who had waken him, and he smiled.
"Three years ago, Team Galactic took everything away from me. Now it's my turn to take everything away from them!", he exclaimed. He chased Saturn through the whole night never relenting. Saturn never slept that night, but Team Heart had a great sleep in the inn they now occupied. In this regard, they had bested Saturn. For now, at least.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 8 is now up! Trouble at the bridge of Draylen!

Awesome work, but remember to split the paragraphs every now and then.
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 8 is now up! Trouble at the bridge of Draylen!

Better yet? This is my favorite chapter :D
 
RE: Pokemon: Team Galactic's Downfall, chapter 10 is now up! The Invincible Trainer!

Chapter Ten: The invincible Trainer
Saturn had a restless night. He had been chased by a man through the night, and Saturn had to keep running. He was now hopelessly lost in the desert, with no direction of anywhere to go. At least, he thought, I have this lovely oasis to live in. That was true, for he had found an oasis, despite being lost. It had cool water, and many trees full of fruit. I could live here all the time, he thought. He went towards the great pond, and he knelt down so that he could have a drink. As soon as he had went down to get a sip of water, he jumped right back up. He had seen something in the water. He waited, but nothing came out of the water. He decided to try again. This time, he got some water. It was cool, and refreshing. But he tasted something odd in the water. Something that wasn't as pure as the water. He got up from kneeling, and looked around the lake. He saw a small patch of purple in the lake. He gasped,
"Poison! I've been poisoned!". He tried to run in entirely random directions, but it was of no use. He wouldn't be able to get back to the town in time. He didn't even know where the town was! As of this moment, he was a dead man walking.

Team Heart, Adron, Ash, Cyrun, and the boys that they had freed from the prison of Team Galactic were all awake. The breakfast they had was provided by the inn they had been sleeping in. It was very good breakfast. They had to hurry, though, for they were going to make the return journey to G Base, and finally overthrow Team Galactic, once and for all! They went over the plan. It was a simple plan yet complex. They had to scale the mighty tower of G Base, which wouldn't be easy. Climbing a tower to get to the top room us very hard work, as anyone that has ever done it can tell you. In the top room, there was a private elevator for Cyrus, although at the time, the office there was in the command of Saturn.
"The elevator should lead to where Palkia and Dialga are trapped,", explained Braxin,
"If we free them, we might be able to control them, and restore our old galaxy!". At this, everyone cheered, and they headed out to destroy the evil of Team Galactic.

Ryzel watched as Team Heart walked through the sands, determined to get to their location. His chance had come. He took out his cell phone, and called Team Galactic.

Cyrus was having a busy day. Saturn had stopped informing him of what was happening, and he now had no idea what Team Heart was up to. The status of Abbot Town was unknown to him. When Team Heart had attacked G Castle, that fool that had binded him with the power of his Alakazam had run off. This gave Cyrus perfect time to use his new invention. It was voice activated. When it was activated, any force used against him would be repelled. This is how Cyrus escaped. After activating the device, he had jumped out the window, and he then released his Honchkrow, which would carry him off to G Base. Now, the whereabouts of Team Heart were unknown to him.
"Blast it all!", cursed Cyrus.
"These amateurs that are a pathetic excuse for a team are quite pesky to me,", he thought, "I must find some way to end them, once and for all!". As he thought this, the cell went off. Cyrus had given one of the pair of devices to a man named Ryzel. Ryzel had the shielding device that Cyrus had given him. Using it, he was known as the invincible Trainer. He was given a mission to defeat any form of resistance to Team Galactic. He hadn't been called in awhile by Ryzel, because Ryzel had failed Team Galactic long ago. It had been almost a year. Cyrus picked up the cell phone, and spoke into it,
"What is it, Ryzel?". From the other end of the receiver came a deep voice,
"I have found Team Heart, sir. I am following them. I wish to defeat them. Permission to do so, sir?", asked Ryzel.
"Permission granted, Ryzel. But this time, do not fail me!", Cyrus exclaimed.
"I shall not fail you again sir!", replied Ryzel, remembering the time when he cost Team Galactic a good bit of their money. As he said this, he hang up the cell phone, and set his sight on Team Heart.

Team Heart traveled along the sands of the bloody dunes, heading back the way they had previously came from. It was bright and sunny, and Team Heart was very sweaty from the blazing heat. After walking a little bit, they took a break, and ate the lunch they had packed, which came with some water. After doing this, they headed out again. Adron ran a little bit up front, with his companions, Ash, and Cyrun. They drew ever closer to the great mountain of Draylen. They were talking about the events they had experienced on this adventure. They were interrupted, however, by a long and hollow laugh coming from the top of the great mountain of Draylen. They looked a top the mountain, and saw a man standing there. He shouted to them,
"Greetings, travelers! You have come very far, but you will come no farther! I am Ryzel. Around these parts, I am known as the invincible Trainer, for I have never lost!", after saying this to them, to Team Heart's great surprise, he jumped off the great cliff. Before reaching the spot where they now stood, he lifted his fist into the air, and when he came down, he punched the ground, which left a huge cloud of dust around Team Heart. It blinded them for a moment. When the dust settled, they saw the man, unscathed, looking quite jovial. Next to the man was a Pokemon. It was much like a human, save the fact that it was muscular and had four arms. It's skin was blueish-grayish color, as well.
"Now, Team Heart,", exclaimed Ryzel,
"Battle me if you wish to pass!". Adron replied,
"I will battle you, and I will win!". With this, Team Heart backed away, and Adron and his competitor were put in place where they could battle, somewhere near the great mountain of Draylen.
"Go, Pidgeot!", exclaimed Ash, and he threw a Poke Ball up into the air. Out came Pidgeot, flapping it's great wings! Adron commanded,
"Pidgeot! Use Air Slash!". Pidgeot whipped up a gale force, and unleashed it on Ryzel's Pokemon, which was a Machamp. The attack did absolutely nothing to the Machamp. Ryzel laughed,
"I am the invincible Trainer! You cannot beat me! Machamp! Channel your Rage!". Machamp became suddenly angry, and charge towards Pidgeot, who dodged the great charge just barely.
"Pidgeot!", Adron commanded,
"Use Hyper Beam!". Pidgeot fired a powerful beam at Machamp, made of pure power. It hit Machamp straight on, but did nothing to Machamp, whatsoever. It just stood there. It didn't even try to dodge. At this point, Adron was becoming nervous. Was Ryzel really unbeatable? All he could do was wait it out. Ryzel kept trying to attack Pidgeot, but Pidgeot dodged the attacks endlessly. The Machamp never tired, and it was quite determined to defeat Pidgeot. We can't keep on going like this, thought Adron. Are we doomed to fight forever? Machamp turned it's back for only a minute, but it was then, and only then, when Adron noticed that Machamp had a device on it's back.
"Hah!", laughed Adron,
"Pidgeot, the moment Machamp turns around, use Hyper Beam on it's back!". Machamp tried to punch Pidgeot, which Pidgeot easily dodged. The timing was perfect. Pidgeot was aligned straight with Machamp's turned to Pidgeot. Pidgeot fired it's great beam, and the device on Machamp's back exploded. The blast of the explosion took down Machamp, and Adron was victorious!

Ryzel stood there, stunned. The invincible Trainer was no longer. He had been defeated, by a mere boy. He fell on his knees. He then said,
"You must be the chosen one.". Adron looked surprised,
"The chosen one?".
"Yes,", the man replied,
"The one that will defeat Team Galactic. They have feared his arrival for quite some time now. Team Galactic, before they destroyed the old galaxy, there was a prophecy that someone might do this. To destroy the old galaxy, such a task was anticipated on a great stone. That stone exists in the deepest cave of a town that once called, "Celestic Town". I have seen that stone myself. Team Galactic was warned, however, by the stone, that a chosen one would appear. They didn't heed the warning, however, and they will regret it, I fear. It's a darn shame. I was getting used to being the invincible Trainer.". And with these words, he righted himself, and he walked slowly towards Abbot Town, with his weakened Machamp.

"You did it, Pidgeot!", exclaimed Adron. He petted his Pokemon, and gave him some treats.
"Like Zarik would say, we defeated him using the bond of our hearts!". Adron kept Pidgeot out of it's Poke Ball for a little bit, so that it could fly up into the air, like it loved to do. Team Heart was becoming ever more successful. As they headed for the legendary base, G Base, they thought about how the battle might go. They were preparing themselves. The fight would begin in one days time, for that would be the time that they arrived at G Base. They were one step closer to reviving the old galaxy.
 
RE: Pokemon: The Savior of the Destroyed Galaxy! Part One: Team Galactic's Downfall! Chapter Ten is up!

Interesting Story, my only advice would be to use more pronouns. Like instead of saying: Team Heart did this and then Team Heart did that. Say. Team Heart did this and then they did this. also,don't repeat yourself too much like: "In this new galaxy, there is barely any green, and much of this galaxy is barren, and almost desert-like. Most of the plants have died, and there is nothing to like in this barren galaxy" These two sentences basically say the same thing. avoid that. Otherwise, Great Story!:D

BTW: I love Doom's Chocolate and Cyrus' Pink Bubble bath!
 
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