The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shining Raikou
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Why was six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
Why did the baker seek out financial help? (Highlight for answer)
cause he was out of dough
cause he was out of dough
Why are black people known for being good at basketball?
Hard work and dedication.
Hard work and dedication.
Newest slew for you. As usual I'll hide the punchlines (highlight to view). The last two might offend some people due to the joke's nature, but only mildly. (If you need explanations for any of the jokes, just ask and I'll tell you.)
Where can you find a cow with no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want, but he won't come.
Where are orange juice carton POWs taken?
Concentration camps. (Duh.)
When does a Mexican become a Spaniard?
When he becomes your son-in-law.
A man drove up to a farm one day and noticed there was a 3-legged pig sitting alone in a pen. He asks the farmer, who's sitting in a rocking chair next to the pen, what's up with the pig.
"Him? Oh, that's Old George. He's a special pig."
"How'd he lose his leg?" the man asks.
"Well, one time we had a fire in our old barn here. And Old George here got all the animals out to safety before finally leaving himself."
"Is that how he lost his leg?"
"Nah, that's not how he lost his leg."
"Then how?"
"Well, one time we had a fire in our house as well. Old George ran up to the third story and rescued our baby girl by taking her out of the crib and jumping from the third-story window down to safety."
"Oh...So, that's how he lost his leg."
"Nah, that's not how."
"Then...how!?"
The farmer then replies, with a perfectly straight face, "Well, with a pig that special, you don't eat it all at once."
Edit: One more joke.
Q: What is the name of Santa's 10th reindeer?
A: Olive, the other reindeer. You know, the one that used to laugh and call Rudolph names.
Where can you find a cow with no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want, but he won't come.
Where are orange juice carton POWs taken?
Concentration camps. (Duh.)
When does a Mexican become a Spaniard?
When he becomes your son-in-law.
A man drove up to a farm one day and noticed there was a 3-legged pig sitting alone in a pen. He asks the farmer, who's sitting in a rocking chair next to the pen, what's up with the pig.
"Him? Oh, that's Old George. He's a special pig."
"How'd he lose his leg?" the man asks.
"Well, one time we had a fire in our old barn here. And Old George here got all the animals out to safety before finally leaving himself."
"Is that how he lost his leg?"
"Nah, that's not how he lost his leg."
"Then how?"
"Well, one time we had a fire in our house as well. Old George ran up to the third story and rescued our baby girl by taking her out of the crib and jumping from the third-story window down to safety."
"Oh...So, that's how he lost his leg."
"Nah, that's not how."
"Then...how!?"
The farmer then replies, with a perfectly straight face, "Well, with a pig that special, you don't eat it all at once."
Edit: One more joke.
Q: What is the name of Santa's 10th reindeer?
A: Olive, the other reindeer. You know, the one that used to laugh and call Rudolph names.
An American, a Russian, a Pole, and an Israeli are sitting at a table in a coffee shop when a reporter comes over and asks them, "Excuse me, can I have your opinion on the meat shortage?" The Pole asks "What is meat?" The American asks "What is a shortage?" The Russian asks "What is opinion?" And the Israeli asks "What is 'excuse me'?"
What's the difference between a dolphin and Justin Beiber?
Come at me haters.
One of them makes a high-pitched noise, the other is a dolphin
Come at me haters.
A woman and her baby get on to a city bus. After looking at both of them the bus driver says: "WOW! That must be the ugliest baby I have seen in my life!"
The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can't even see straight. The woman turns next to the man she just sat down next to and says, "The bus driver was so rude to me!"
The man looks at the woman with concern and says, "Well you shouldn't let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can't even see straight. The woman turns next to the man she just sat down next to and says, "The bus driver was so rude to me!"
The man looks at the woman with concern and says, "Well you shouldn't let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind.
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.
"If someone makes a mistake" he points out, "it would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"
A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place where only he had access to.
Two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the monk decides to see if the old guy's alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.
"Father?" whispers the monk.
"Oh lord Jesus," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.'"
"If someone makes a mistake" he points out, "it would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"
A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place where only he had access to.
Two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the monk decides to see if the old guy's alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.
"Father?" whispers the monk.
"Oh lord Jesus," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.'"
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