The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shining Raikou
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i don't got jokes, but i got puns, here's one 'the clock was hungry, so it went back four seconds
Guys, Serebii is super weak to bugs.
Figure out that above statement, and if you can't, here.
... Get it? Because Serebii is a website and it's weak to bugs. ...
Figure out that above statement, and if you can't, here.
... Get it? Because Serebii is a website and it's weak to bugs. ...
Don't you just love pokemon parents? I mean they let you go out into the world with these creatures that you somehow fit into a tiny ball and you're only ten. They let you fight evil organazations and but don't worry. They'll call once in a while but not to tell you that they're doing okay but to tell you that they used your money to buy something crappy.
KDay out
KDay out
I love it ^
Hey what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? (highlight for answer).
We're both lawyers.
I don't think this is a repost...
Hey what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? (highlight for answer).
We're both lawyers.
I don't think this is a repost...
Just a few quick ones.
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They turn it and the world revolves around them.
How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know; they keep disappearing.
How many contractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know; they have to keep going back for materials.
What is the study of dead people called?
History.
And for two longer jokes with better punchlines (which are hidden in spoiler tags):
So, three accountants and three engineers go to the train station. The accountants buy 3 tickets, one for each of them, but the engineers buy 1 total.
"How can you go on the train with just 1 ticket?" an accountant asks.
"Oh, don't worry, you'll see."
When they board the train, the accountants all go into a booth, but the engineers all cram into one lavatory. The accountants wonder at this. When the ticketmaster comes along to collect the tickets, he collects one from each accountant, and when he comes to the lavatory he says "Tickets, please". In response, one of the engineers extends his arm with the single ticket. The ticketmaster takes it and moves on.
On the return trip, the accountants decided to try this trick as well. So, the accountants buy 1 ticket total, but the engineers buy no tickets at all. Perplexed yet again, the accountant asks how they can do this, to which they respond "Oh, don't worry, you'll see."
The three accountants all crowd into one lavatory, while the three engineers crowd into another lavatory.
Now for the other one.
An engineer named Jacob dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates. St Peter meets him and asks him what his name is, to which he replies "Jacob". Peter looks through a bunch of papers on his desk, and responds apologetically "I'm sorry, but I don't have your name on here. You must not belong here."
"That can't be right!" Jacob protests. "I belong here!"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have your papers," Peter responds, and he pulls a lever sending Jacob hurtling into Hell.
When Jacob lands in Hell, being the engineer that he is, he sets about making plans and blueprints, schematics and all that, and builds a working air-conditioning system.
Up in heaven, around lunchtime, Peter notices that there's a paper stuck under his desk - it has Jacob's name on it. Realizing he's made a mistake, he picks up the phone and dials Hell, and as expected, Satan picks up the phone.
"What do you want?" Satan asks.
"We accidentally sent someone down to you and we need him back," Peter responds.
"Who is it?"
"That engineer named Jacob."
"Oh, him? You can't have him back."
"Why not?"
"He's made it a great place down here - he's built air-conditioning and everything! You can't have him back."
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They turn it and the world revolves around them.
How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know; they keep disappearing.
How many contractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know; they have to keep going back for materials.
What is the study of dead people called?
History.
And for two longer jokes with better punchlines (which are hidden in spoiler tags):
So, three accountants and three engineers go to the train station. The accountants buy 3 tickets, one for each of them, but the engineers buy 1 total.
"How can you go on the train with just 1 ticket?" an accountant asks.
"Oh, don't worry, you'll see."
When they board the train, the accountants all go into a booth, but the engineers all cram into one lavatory. The accountants wonder at this. When the ticketmaster comes along to collect the tickets, he collects one from each accountant, and when he comes to the lavatory he says "Tickets, please". In response, one of the engineers extends his arm with the single ticket. The ticketmaster takes it and moves on.
On the return trip, the accountants decided to try this trick as well. So, the accountants buy 1 ticket total, but the engineers buy no tickets at all. Perplexed yet again, the accountant asks how they can do this, to which they respond "Oh, don't worry, you'll see."
The three accountants all crowd into one lavatory, while the three engineers crowd into another lavatory.
About two minutes into the train ride, one of the engineers emerges from the lavatory, knocks on the door of the other lavatory, and says "Tickets, please".
Now for the other one.
An engineer named Jacob dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates. St Peter meets him and asks him what his name is, to which he replies "Jacob". Peter looks through a bunch of papers on his desk, and responds apologetically "I'm sorry, but I don't have your name on here. You must not belong here."
"That can't be right!" Jacob protests. "I belong here!"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have your papers," Peter responds, and he pulls a lever sending Jacob hurtling into Hell.
When Jacob lands in Hell, being the engineer that he is, he sets about making plans and blueprints, schematics and all that, and builds a working air-conditioning system.
Up in heaven, around lunchtime, Peter notices that there's a paper stuck under his desk - it has Jacob's name on it. Realizing he's made a mistake, he picks up the phone and dials Hell, and as expected, Satan picks up the phone.
"What do you want?" Satan asks.
"We accidentally sent someone down to you and we need him back," Peter responds.
"Who is it?"
"That engineer named Jacob."
"Oh, him? You can't have him back."
"Why not?"
"He's made it a great place down here - he's built air-conditioning and everything! You can't have him back."
"If you don't send him back up, we're going to have to sue you."
"Oh, and where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"
"Oh, and where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"
A phone company employee got married today. It was a great ceremony, but the reception was terrible.
The employee's brother had an argument with his girlfriend and now wants to dump her. So, while driving towards Greenwich, CT, he picks up the phone and calls her. They talk for 3 minutes as he nears the dead zone. As the signal weakens, his girlfriend shouts "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU'RE BREAKING UP!" To which the man replies: "GLAD YOU GOT THE MESSAGE."
The employee's brother had an argument with his girlfriend and now wants to dump her. So, while driving towards Greenwich, CT, he picks up the phone and calls her. They talk for 3 minutes as he nears the dead zone. As the signal weakens, his girlfriend shouts "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU'RE BREAKING UP!" To which the man replies: "GLAD YOU GOT THE MESSAGE."
Here'a a really stupid joke the priest at my church told before his homily.
There are these two men, Salvador and Luigi. They were pretty good hunters, and they decided to hunt a bear. While out hunting in the forest, Salvador's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he was having horrible chess pains. He collasped, obviously having a heart attack. Luigi was getting nervous. He whipped out his cell phone and called 911. "My friend is.... is dead. He just collasped," he shouted to the opperator. "We can help you," the opperator sweetly replied. "You just have to do everything I say." He responded, "Ok." "Good. First I want you to make sure he's dead."
There are these two men, Salvador and Luigi. They were pretty good hunters, and they decided to hunt a bear. While out hunting in the forest, Salvador's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he was having horrible chess pains. He collasped, obviously having a heart attack. Luigi was getting nervous. He whipped out his cell phone and called 911. "My friend is.... is dead. He just collasped," he shouted to the opperator. "We can help you," the opperator sweetly replied. "You just have to do everything I say." He responded, "Ok." "Good. First I want you to make sure he's dead."
Silence waited over the phone until a gunshot was heard. "What do I do next?"
I put the sexy in dyslexic.
Friends are like trees.
They fall down if you hit them with an ax over and over again.
They say money can't buy happiness.
have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski?
Life is too short for correct punctuation?
The greatest cow in the world is Legendairy
when someone calls you fat, don't get down.
Keep your chins up.
What doesn't kill makes you stronger.
What does kill you makes you dead.
I hate immature kids who are like, " Haha you're older than me. You're going to die first." That's when I pull out my revolver like, " Oh, really now?"
Whoever came up the phrase, " One tough cookie." Had no idea about the structure of baked goods.
Light travels faster than sound. So this is why someone might appear bright until you hear them speak.
Friends are like trees.
They fall down if you hit them with an ax over and over again.
They say money can't buy happiness.
have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski?
Life is too short for correct punctuation?
The greatest cow in the world is Legendairy
when someone calls you fat, don't get down.
Keep your chins up.
What doesn't kill makes you stronger.
What does kill you makes you dead.
I hate immature kids who are like, " Haha you're older than me. You're going to die first." That's when I pull out my revolver like, " Oh, really now?"
Whoever came up the phrase, " One tough cookie." Had no idea about the structure of baked goods.
Light travels faster than sound. So this is why someone might appear bright until you hear them speak.
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