The Jokes Thread

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Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."


Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.


Crap's not censored anymore. Huh
 
ONE GOOD LAWYER JOKE DESERVES ANOTHER.

So there's a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer on this small wooden boat. It's out in the ocean, but the pier can be seen off in the distance. However, the boat is surrounded by dozens of sharks which are circling the boat, just waiting for the people to give in. Only one person would need to give themselves up to let the other two live.

"I can't throw myself off," the doctor said. "My work is essential for keeping people alive and well."
"I can't throw myself off either," the priest said. "If there comes a person the doctor can't cure, I need to give them last rites."

The lawyer just shrugged and stepped near the edge of the boat. He waited a bit, and while he was standing there, the sharks made a bridge out of their backs that connected the boat to the pier, and the lawyer walked across the shark's backs all the way to dry land.

"That...That's a miracle!" the priest exclaimed.
"No it isn't;" the doctor replied, "it's common courtesy."

Oh yeah, and I have something to follow up the second joke.

Q: A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Clause are walking through the woods and they espy a $100 bill on the ground. Who picks it up?
A: ...None of them. Two of them are imaginary, and the third one thinks it's a candy wrapper....
 
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium?
K

What do you say when someone throws Gold at you?
Au!

Kid 1: "Do you have any salt?"
Kid 2: "Na."

An atom of Argon walks into a bar. For no apparent reason, the bartender yells at him, "GET OUT!"
Argon does not react.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
You Barium.

Do you want to know how much I make?
Iron enough.

You can mix Oxygen and Magnesium together?
OMg!

Kid 1: Do you know any good Nitric Oxide jokes?
Kid 2: NO.


I'd really like to post more chemistry jokes... but all the rest of the good ones Argon.

I'm sorry. Those were bad. Do with me as you wish.
 
Can you spell on backwards?
No.

How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what insurance it has.

What do you get if you ask a rock something and you get an answer?
An application to an insanity ward.

What do you call a creepy anime mouse?
Peekatchu

What do you call Peanuts that have a green thumbs?
Planters

Man 1: Hey, I just taught my Duck to fly around the room in his underwear with a ketchup bottle and to sing Eye of the Tiger! What do you think?
Man 2: You have way too much time.
 
Hatman, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of nitric oxide. Nitrous oxide is N2O.
Of course, my favorite one of the whole lot was the argon one.
 
Q: What can you make from barium, cobalt, and nitrogen?
A: BaCoN, for those who enjoy it periodically.

I win.
 
I thought I made that joke in here somewhere. So it's proof I made it before it was cool.
 
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