The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Shining Raikou
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
@legendhunter32
I believe we discussed no blonde jokes...some people find that offensive.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege. Only a married person can get divorced.
I believe we discussed no blonde jokes...some people find that offensive.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege. Only a married person can get divorced.
Magikarp can Splash Arceus to death 
^Chiraami was offended whatever lol
whatever lol
Guys, please. Just to be considerate to others feelings, don't post something people might take as offensive. We would rather not have jokes here that single out a group/religion.
bacon and 47bennyg, good jokes.
bacon and 47bennyg, good jokes.
Bacon and 47bennyg are the winners. Still, props for Bacon on that ridiculous length.
SAFARI'S LIST OF CORNEY POKEMON JOKES:
Why is Zapdos so dangerous?
Which Pokemon can count to 3 in Spanish?
Name a low fat Pokémon.
Why is Zapdos so dangerous?
Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself!
Which Pokemon can count to 3 in Spanish?
Arctic-uno, Zap-dos, Mol-tres
Name a low fat Pokémon.
Butterfree
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says "AaaaooOOOOoahahoogggaaaaooooaaaaggogoooaoaogogogoaoogoaoogogoaogogoOOOOGoaoaoAAAoogoaoaogogoaooagoogogoogogoooooAAAA!"
The second whale says "Shut up, Frank. You're drunk."
Two canninbals are eating a clown. One of them says "This tastes funny."
The second whale says "Shut up, Frank. You're drunk."
Two canninbals are eating a clown. One of them says "This tastes funny."
This is one of my favorites:
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that .Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that .Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
Did you write that bacon?
If not, where did you get such an enjoyable story?
If not, where did you get such an enjoyable story?
You drink too much Coffee when:
You can jump start your car without cables
You don't sweat, you percolate
Starbucks owns your house mortgage
You walk 40 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet
People get dizzy just watching you
Instant coffee takes too long
All your kids are named "Joe"
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio
People can test their batteries in your ears
You can jump start your car without cables
You don't sweat, you percolate
Starbucks owns your house mortgage
You walk 40 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet
People get dizzy just watching you
Instant coffee takes too long
All your kids are named "Joe"
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio
People can test their batteries in your ears
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