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RE: Writer's Lounge

^That's usually the most common issue, and something I'd have just PM'd you about fixing anyways if I saw it in a thread. In this thread, it isn't as big of deal, though.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

Second prologue is too vague for an introduction. Yes, you should hide stuff from the reader to keep them from letting them being in the complete know, but you're doing it in such an obvious fashion. There would be readers that would still be interested and read on to see if it clears up, but others can be deterred by the fact that you're trying to get them to keep reading for something related to what you have been talking about in the meantime. It's not direct enough to the reader, and as a consequence they feel that you don't trust them. Just read the second prologue again. It looks like it was explained by someone that only had five minutes to talk to you. It's too rushed, too impersonal.

First "prologue" isn't a prologue. It's a story. It's a background tale that explains and sets up your story from the getgo. The first prologue has the exact opposite problem as the second simply because it simply takes too long to get to the gist of your story. By the time anyone finishes reading the first prologue, they know that the story will be about the fourth Imildrai that will right all wrongs, but they also know that you sure took a heck of a long time to get there. Don't get me wrong, it's a decently written piece. You just put it in the wrong place: the opening. The Introduction is a confusing thing to make as there's no set rule, but there's my take on what should be done:

Pretend that what you just wrote exists (for now) and just start with a Chapter One. Don't go with a prologue to start things off. Take that written "prologue" of yours and use it somewhere else. Use it as a side story that explains the plot. This way, you can focus more on developing the protagonist while hooking the readers attention. They are not looking at the main plot to start off with (which is a dangerous, double-edged sword) in this case. Let them be almost as clueless as the protagonist and explain things from there when the actions starts to heat up. This way, as the protagonist understands his/her task, the reader will learn at the same time.

This means a connection between the reader and the protagonist. You have officially killed two birds with one stone in this scenario.

Well, I don't know the entire plot, so what I suggested could conflict, but this was the best way I saw it.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

In the beginning, there was nothing…nothing, except for a single spark of hope. Hope that something could be formed from this void. From this spark was born a single creature: the Creator. The Creator
Click to expand...

This is a pretty choppy beginning. that
nothing...nothing
Click to expand...
Should be something more like
nothing... Nothing

Another thing, I would just avoid in any case would be something like
From this spark was born a single creature: the Creator. The Creator
Click to expand...
Apollo would tell you the same thing... Connecting sentence with a :, just is way to overused, and can be easily miss-used. It is easier just to use a comma. I have had the problem in Protection, with it being way over-used, It makes the story seem advanced, like a college English course. I would just lay back, and work on connecting those first couple sentences.

3 perfect beings were given life:
Click to expand...
No... No... No...
you need that 3 to be a Three
The MLA,(People with no life, who make you write a certain way.) says
Anything below ten, should be written out in word format
Click to expand...
I would just obey that...

But other than those simple errors, you have a good story. Lengthen it, and give it some details, and give it time. Make it more than three times as long, and you've got yourself a great story!

I'll get around to the second prologue, sometime after school
:D
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

30 posts or so in just a day or so; I am pleased.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

I like how you're taking the blame for a good thing.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

I like how you're just taking notice of things.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

I like how you guys are good writers, and I like how Apollo is probably gonna change subject when he sees this...
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

MrGatr said:
I like how you guys are good writers, and I like how Apollo is probably gonna change subject when he sees this...
Click to expand...

No, not really, but I will ask you guys to give me your opinions on the newly revised forums rules. I think I covered all bases as I explained to DNA, but if you guys think anything should be scaled back or revised again for clarity, now is the time to let me know so I can take care of it in the next few days. I know stuff's wordy, but I kind of felt it was necessary since I still get questions from people about why certain ones exist (namely the formatting and length ones)...
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

I like them, they clarify much better, if that is what you were aiming towards
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

Didn't remember much about the original, so I can't make a comparison. It does look more in detail, but in a simple term, it makes sure more angles are covered.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

MrGatr said:
I like them, they clarify much better, if that is what you were aiming towards
Click to expand...

That's exactly what I'm aiming for. My main focus at the moment is making them as clear as possible but not overwhelming to newcomers. Though, I should note some newcomers don't always heed the rules anyways, but I want to keep them only as lengthy as they need to be to get my points across regarding a bunch of small issues people still seem to have once in a while with posting new stuff here.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

Zyflair said:
Second prologue is too vague for an introduction. Yes, you should hide stuff from the reader to keep them from letting them being in the complete know, but you're doing it in such an obvious fashion. There would be readers that would still be interested and read on to see if it clears up, but others can be deterred by the fact that you're trying to get them to keep reading for something related to what you have been talking about in the meantime. It's not direct enough to the reader, and as a consequence they feel that you don't trust them. Just read the second prologue again. It looks like it was explained by someone that only had five minutes to talk to you. It's too rushed, too impersonal.

First "prologue" isn't a prologue. It's a story. It's a background tale that explains and sets up your story from the getgo. The first prologue has the exact opposite problem as the second simply because it simply takes too long to get to the gist of your story. By the time anyone finishes reading the first prologue, they know that the story will be about the fourth Imildrai that will right all wrongs, but they also know that you sure took a heck of a long time to get there. Don't get me wrong, it's a decently written piece. You just put it in the wrong place: the opening. The Introduction is a confusing thing to make as there's no set rule, but there's my take on what should be done:

Pretend that what you just wrote exists (for now) and just start with a Chapter One. Don't go with a prologue to start things off. Take that written "prologue" of yours and use it somewhere else. Use it as a side story that explains the plot. This way, you can focus more on developing the protagonist while hooking the readers attention. They are not looking at the main plot to start off with (which is a dangerous, double-edged sword) in this case. Let them be almost as clueless as the protagonist and explain things from there when the actions starts to heat up. This way, as the protagonist understands his/her task, the reader will learn at the same time.

This means a connection between the reader and the protagonist. You have officially killed two birds with one stone in this scenario.

Well, I don't know the entire plot, so what I suggested could conflict, but this was the best way I saw it.
Click to expand...
Okay I'll probably just cut out the prologue for consistency issues. You presented very good points and I agree with everything you said. The story I had been playing around with putting a condensed version of it later in the book as sort of a forgotten legend. This is the first book of three (minimum) I intend to write. All of them take place in the final years of the 27th recreation (It goes 2nd-1st-3rd chronologically). However, you mentioned that the first seemed to imply that the story was about the 4th Imildrai. I'll have to definitely put it as a "forgotten legend" later in the book if that is the case. The 1st book only touches on the 4th briefly, the 2nd not at all, and the 3rd is focused completely on that subject. Thanks so much.

MrGatr said:
This is a pretty choppy beginning. that
Should be something more like
nothing... Nothing

Another thing, I would just avoid in any case would be something like
Apollo would tell you the same thing... Connecting sentence with a :, just is way to overused, and can be easily miss-used. It is easier just to use a comma. I have had the problem in Protection, with it being way over-used, It makes the story seem advanced, like a college English course. I would just lay back, and work on connecting those first couple sentences.

No... No... No...
you need that 3 to be a Three
The MLA,(People with no life, who make you write a certain way.) says
I would just obey that...

But other than those simple errors, you have a good story. Lengthen it, and give it some details, and give it time. Make it more than three times as long, and you've got yourself a great story!

I'll get around to the second prologue, sometime after school
:D
Click to expand...

Thanks for the grammar corrections. I could have sworn I put Three instead of 3? I'm fully aware of the MLA rules. If I remember right (I'm not looking at the prologue right now and can't be bothered as I type this out) I used a colon there. I don't use it to connect sentences, I use it more for...emphasis. Perhaps I'll use the comma. We'll see.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

^Welcome... I love to help.
:D

I think that Apollo should give you a critic on this... He is the best, along with Zyflair, I try to get both of them... But it might not always happen.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

Well, both Apollo and I are very busy people. It just so happens we're dedicated to the Pokémon fandom.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

^I know... You guys are great though... 500 word Critics, and then another 1000 word critic.... Its LOL time with n00b writers:p
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

I only give thorough critiques on request nowadays, but lately just haven't had time with some special goings-on right now. My biggest project was the rules needing to be updated. Otherwise, I'm caught up in some of my own stuff at the moment. Sorry for not being a little more available the past few days despite being online a lot, guys.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

your fine... You do great at what you do...

But right now, my biggest project is redoing the entire Protection chapters.
 
RE: Writer's Lounge

Frankly, the only real problem I've ever seen in your fic is just brushing up grammar and punctuation use (as well as just remembering to double space your paragraphs every time you make a new one). It really just needs touch-up.
 
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