Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/1

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Bobblehead

Bobblehead

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Okay, so this is basically a rip-off of the 'Pokemon Jokes' thread, only without pokemon. Here you can post some funny jokes/skits for fun (Notice how 'funny' was bolded. Seriously, I don't want too see any corny-jokes about cows going too moovies or 6 being afraid of 7 or whatever... Oh yeah, Knock-Knock jokes usually have stupid puns so none of those either). I'll start:

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

Bobblehead, that's a nice one, here's mine (sorry for my bad English):

Well there was a guy at the bar, and suddenly a pirate came in, and went standing next to the guy. You know like any other pirate it was complete with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The guy and the pirate started a talk. Then guy asked: ''How did you get that wooden leg?'' The pirate said: ''Well, it happened at a very stormy day, I was drunk, felt in the water and a shark bit my leg off.'' ''Oh that’s terrible'', said the guy. ''And how did you get that hook?'' The pirate said: ''It happened in a very big fight, another pirate cut my hand off.'' ''O really? And how did you get your eye patch then?'' Asked the guy. The pirate answered: ''A seagull pooped in my eye, when I was looking at the clouds.'' ''But that doesn’t hurt so much, does it?'' Asked the guy surprisingly. ''No it doesn’t answered the pirate, but it was the first day since I got my hook.''
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread!

42 chocolate said:
lol :D

A guy walks into an ice-cream parlor.
The clerk says,
"What would you like today?"
"I'll have the chocolate."
"I'm sorry, sir, we're out of chocolate."
"Okay then, I'll have the chocolate."
"Sir, we don't have any chocolate."
"Fine. I'll have chocolate then."
"There is no chocolate! Look. Spell "Van" as in Vanilla."
"V-a-n."
"Good. Now spell Straw as in strawberry."
"S-t-r-a-w."
"Good. Now spell f*** as in chocolate."
The man looks at the clerk, confused, and says,
"But there is no f*** in chocolate."
The clerk looks relieved and says,
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Click to expand...

OMFG

that took me like 10 minutes to get it!

god im dumb =P

i like read over it 5 times. -_-
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

there is a women in the shower her neighbor rings the doorbell she walked down with a towel around her waste ''I just cought a criminal'' said the neighbor ''great job'' she went back upstairs another ring of the doorbell she again he walked down with a towel around her waste ''I just put out a fire'' ''wow'' back upstairs and another ring of the doorbell this time it was her blind neighbor so she walked down stairs without her towel around her waste ''I can see again!''
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

yay!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe Mama!!!
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

lol, Bobblehead, I liked that joke. :D
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

GoRockQuadsGiratina said:
After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

lol, Bobblehead, I liked that joke. :D
Click to expand...

Hahaha! Nice one :D

bacon boy said:
yay!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe Mama!
Click to expand...

T_T LAME!!!

Pokequaza said:
Bobblehead, that's a nice one, here's mine (sorry for my bad English):

Well there was a guy at the bar, and suddenly a pirate came in, and went standing next to the guy. You know like any other pirate it was complete with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The guy and the pirate started a talk. Then guy asked: ''How did you get that wooden leg?'' The pirate said: ''Well, it happened at a very stormy day, I was drunk, felt in the water and a shark bit my leg off.'' ''Oh that’s terrible'', said the guy. ''And how did you get that hook?'' The pirate said: ''It happened in a very big fight, another pirate cut my hand off.'' ''O really? And how did you get your eye patch then?'' Asked the guy. The pirate answered: ''A seagull pooped in my eye, when I was looking at the clouds.'' ''But that doesn’t hurt so much, does it?'' Asked the guy surprisingly. ''No it doesn’t answered the pirate, but it was the first day since I got my hook.''
Click to expand...

lol the poor pirtate :D
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

bacon boy please be serious and post some ''usefull'' jokes, not those lame childish jokes...
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

A man named Seamus O"Toole comes home on night from a bar drunk. He has a pint of Guinness in each back pocket, he opens the door goes inside a takes his shoes off. He thinks he'll just creep up stairs quietly and go to bed. He steps onto the stairs and falls flat on his back. The pints of Guinness explode! He than realizes that his backside hurts like H***. He see a huge stain spreading across the carpet, the Guinness he thinks. He goes to the mirror and pulls down his pants and there's tons of cuts on his backside. He fixes himself with band-aids and goes to bed. The next morning his wife comes down stairs and goes right back up throws the door open and screeches," Seamus O'Toole you've been drinking again.
"How'd you know?"
"Well the first clue was when i saw the door wide open. The second was when i saw the big stain on the carpet that looked like Guinness. But the clincher was when i saw the Band-Aids on the mirror!

the moral kids! DON'T DRINK!!!!!!!!
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

The original variation to this is a bit inappropriate (the words use) so I'm going to change it around a little. My cousin told this to me, and it took me a while before I LOL'ed. So:

There was a plane flying over the ocean with no land nearby by. There were tons of people on that plane.
Half of them eat Hamburgers, half of them eat Fruit, and there was on guy who eats rice.
So, while flying the pilot told all of the passengers, "The plane is too heavy. Please drop all of your food."
So, the Hamburgers eaters dropped their hamburgers, the Fruit eaters drop their fruit, and the Rice eater dropped his rice.
But the plane was still too heavy!
So the pilot told the passengers, "The plane is still too heavy. Please drop your luggage."
So, everyone dropped all of their luggage down into the ocean.
But the place was still too heavy!
The pilot told the passengers, "The plane is still too heavy. We need to cut the plane in half!"
So, everyone somehow cut the place in half, the bottom half at least. In the end, everyone was dangling (imagine you going through Monkey Bars. That's how they are dangling.)
But the plane was STILL too heavy!
So, the pilot told everyone, "The plane is still too heavy. If one person falls, we'll be fine."
Everyone looked at the Rice eater.
And he said, "Fine I'll fall. But before I do, may I please have a round of applause."
And he got is round of applause.

Does anyone get it?
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

Not really. I'm sure it's something funny though. :D

EDIT: I get it now. rofl that's funny. :D
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

Oh, I get it! If they give him a round of applause, they'll all fall into the ocean instead of him! :p
Good one!
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

-------------
Girls = time * money

time = money, therefore:

Girls = money * money (*)

But we know that money is a root of all evil, thus:

money = sqrt(evil)

Taking into account (*), we have:

Girls = sqrt(evil)*sqrt(evil)

And finally:

Girls = |evil|

Thus, Girls are the absolute evil!
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

99% of the jokes that I know would get me immediately banned, so I am preforming with my hands and feet tied behind my back, mind you.

Guy from Cali: Hey I'm going to Boston, is there any good food that I should get?
Other Guy from Cali: Yeah get the Scrod.
Guy from Cali: Okay
*** (Guy from Cali gets in a cab after the plane ride, he is hungry.)
Cabby: Where can I take ya?
Guy from Cali: Just take me to a place where I can get scrod.
Cabby: Sir, you are the first person that I have ever met who knew how to say that in the perfect subjunctive.

Women Jokes:
Q: A woman gets hit by a car, what is wrong with that?
A: How did a car get in the kitchen?

Q: What is a blank piece of paper?
A: Women's rights
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

Ok, here's another:

Light is faster than sound. That's the reason why most people look smart till they start to speak.
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

DawnOfXatu said:
99% of the jokes that I know would get me immediately banned, so I am preforming with my hands and feet tied behind my back, mind you.
Click to expand...

Yeah... I'll do what I know.

There are three people on a plane, a Chinese man, a Mexican and an American. They're are crashing and need to throw things off. The Chinese man is first and throws his rice overboard, saying "There is alot of this in my country." The Mexican is next and throws tortillas overboard, saying "There is alot of this in my country." The American then throws the Mexican overboard, saying "There's alot of them in MY country!"

A Frenchman, a Mexican and an American are in the woods. the American goes off for 2 minuets and comes back with a huge deer, and the other two ask, "Where'dja get that?", and the American says "I followed the tracks." So the Mexican goes off for 2 minuetsa and comes back with a huge moose, and the other two go, "Where'dja get that?", and he says, "I followed the tracks. The Frenchman goes off but dosen't come back. Three days later the other two find him in the hospital and asked him what happened. The Frenchman said: "I followed the tracks, and got hit by train."


I've known those for awhile.
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

DeoxysUnknownForme said:
DawnOfXatu said:
99% of the jokes that I know would get me immediately banned, so I am preforming with my hands and feet tied behind my back, mind you.
Click to expand...

Yeah... I'll do what I know.

There are three people on a plane, a Chinese man, a Mexican and an American. They're are crashing and need to throw things off. The Chinese man is first and throws his rice overboard, saying "There is alot of this in my country." The Mexican is next and throws tortillas overboard, saying "There is alot of this in my country." The American then throws the Mexican overboard, saying "There's alot of them in MY country!"

A Frenchman, a Mexican and an American are in the woods. the American goes off for 2 minuets and comes back with a huge deer, and the other two ask, "Where'dja get that?", and the American says "I followed the tracks." So the Mexican goes off for 2 minuetsa and comes back with a huge moose, and the other two go, "Where'dja get that?", and he says, "I followed the tracks. The Frenchman goes off but dosen't come back. Three days later the other two find him in the hospital and asked him what happened. The Frenchman said: "I followed the tracks, and got hit by train."


I've known those for awhile.
Click to expand...
Isn't that racism? Although it's a joke, it's still a kind of racism...
 
RE: Non-Pokemon Jokes Thread! (12/13+)

Eh, that's what I thought, but those are the only ones I knew that would keep my record clean....
 
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