The Jokes Thread

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^No, because that way, you would be able to see it coming before he got to the punchline. Jokes of that kind don't have nearly as much impact as one that comes from a side angle.

Although, it might work if you said something about a "joke about cheddar" or something...but I don't think it'd work as well.
 
I'm bringing a whole new level to this thread


Knock Knock Jokes


Ted: Knock knock.
Fred: Who's there?
Ted: Apple!
Fred: Apple who?
Ted: Knock knock.
Fred: Who's there?
Ted: Apple!
Fred: Apple who?
Ted: Knock knock
Fred: Who's there?
Ted: Lemon
Fred: Lemon who?
Ted: Lemon tell you another fruit joke.
Fred sighs....

Ted: Knock knock.
Fred: Who's there?
Ted: Jamaican.
Fred: Jamaican who?
Ted: Jamaican pancakes by chance.
Fred by chance just happened to be making pancakes.

How did god make the Artic circle?

with a protractor

and another element

Chuck Norris jokes

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the
earth down.

And with that I will end.
 
It rhymes with "game" and "name" and starts like "lair".
It's a word used to describe your joke. Am I being fair?

When Ackbar is lost: "It's a MAP!"
When Ackbar finds something easy: "It's a SNAP!"
When Ackbar is in the pool: "It's a LAP"
When Ackbar is dyslexic: "It's a TARP!"
When Ackbar is in a video game: "It's a me, Ackbar!"
 
It rhymes with "game" and "name" and starts like "lair".
It's a word used to describe your joke. Am I being fair?
Click to expand...
At least this one was true and decent.
 
I've got one:
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Whose there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad this post is long?
 
^No it was bar as in branch or something someone would walk into, that can be dodged by ducking.

~Chill
 
A woman walks into a nurse's office. The nurse says:

"Name?"

The woman replies:

"Sandra Brown"

"Adress?"

"1540 Humphrey Lane"

"Flu?"

"No, I just walked. It's right around the corner."



EDIT: Wait, one more!!!


Barack Obama and the Chinese president walk into a bar.

One waitress says to another:

"Look, there's Barack Obama! Who's with him?"

The other one says:

"Yes, Hu's with him..."

The Chinese president is Hu Jintau.
 
I was texting my friend right;
He says: What does idk mean?
I say: I don't know
He Says:
Nobody knows!

Are me and pokenerd the only ones who use spoilers?
 
So the other day I was at church when my pastor was giving a homily that pretty boring. Something about the evils of alcohol and how if he had all the beer in the world, he would throw it in the river, if he had all the wine in the world, he would throw it in the river, and how if he had all the whiskey in the world, he would throw it in the river. So then his homily ended and we proceeded to sing the song number 365: Let us gather at the river

When church signs go wrong:
What is hell?
Come early to hear the choir practice!
 
what's with all the church jokes; you have something against churches?
 
I have a Chemistry joke:

So a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He goes to pay for his drink and the bartender goes,"Oh for you, no charge
 
Chuck was driving down the road. He had a pretty weird quirk (he liked to run over lawyers). He saw a person trying to hitchhike, and it was a lawyer, so he ran the lawyer over.
Another person was standing, asking for a ride not too long after that, but this time, it was a priest.
Chuck stopped, being the (supposed) Christian that he is, and picked him up. "Where to, Father?"
The priest chuckled and said, "Anywhere, my boy. I'm a traveling priest."
Chuck starts driving, and they start talking about God and the universe and stuff like that. Then, Chuck sees a lawyer, wanting a ride. He says to himself, 'No! I have a priest in my car!' and doesn't stray from the road.
Another shape appears, and it's another lawyer wanting a ride. As they pass him, Chuck twitched the steering wheel a little bit, but stayed on the road.
As a third shape approached Chuck's vehicle, Chuck was overwhelmed by a feeling of hatred towards lawyers and made a mighty lurch towards him.
There was a dull thud, and Chuck slowed down and stopped.
He turned to the priest and said, "I'm so sorry, Father."
And the priest says, "That's all right, my son.
I got him with the car door."

Highlight to see what else he said. :)
 
@EPM: maybe your band instructor has something against churches
@mongoose: OHOHOHOHOHOHO
 
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
 
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